What Becomes of a Broken Heart
Forget Disney lying, rom-coms lie just as much if not more. Men do not chase after you when you flee in a moment of spite or anger, John Cusack is not waiting outside your room with a boom box declaring his undying love for you and Matthew McConaughey is most certainly not driving after you on the Brooklyn Bridge causing all traffic havoc to get you to pull over so that he can apologize and tell you he wants you back. No, those are a work of fiction, not reality. Ok, the most realistic rom-com is probably The Break-Up, where Jennifer’s character tries to make a point and they end up breaking up for real. That shit happens.
I definitely have a skewed idea of how men should act during and after a fight. And every time I was in a fight, I am constantly disappointed that it never happened like the movies. I am a terrible fighter, my toxic trait is saying that we should break up before we even discuss the situation at hand. I behave so impetuously that I’m so used to it and I never even realize that that is what I had been doing. Romance in movies are so amplified that it becomes unrealistic. No man in real life could ever live up to the expectations men in rom-coms place. Men in movies realize their mistake in less than 24 hours, hell they realize it within 10 minutes and they apologize in such an elaborate manner that the female lead cannot say anything but “l love you too” and then they live happily ever after, The End. That’s not how it works in real life, relationships do not work that way.
Some people need time to gather their emotions.
Some people, distract themselves with work or school to keep them from facing their feelings. They don’t want to acknowledge that someone has hurt them. Or they don’t acknowledge it at all.
One thing, I have learned is that we all want to be loved. We want unconditional love. A love that won’t ever leave us or hurt us.
A love that will put us above everyone else.
In a normal relationship, there will be fights, jealousy, pain and tears. But there will also be laughter and happiness and love, you just have to choose who you want by your side at the end of the day. I still wonder, if everything happens for a reason, and if that is true then why did this happen? I almost had it all, but in a blink of an eye, I lost it all. My friends advised me that if he was the guy for me, he wouldn’t have let me go. Maybe his friends are telling him, if she was the one for you, she wouldn’t have left you. Did I feel he should have reassured me? Yes. If he had just said, “Victoria, please don’t leave. I want you to stay.” I would have stayed. I can’t keep torturing myself with the what ifs and would coulda should scenarios. That’ll kill me.
But what I do know is that if someone wants you in their life, they will not easily accept you leaving. If you love someone and they walk out of your life, wouldn’t you do everything you can to try and stop them? If you really loved someone, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to keep them? I don’t know if I believe in all this serendipitous or fate or kismet ideas. It may seem like it at times, but it may all be coincidence. People are told that God has a plan for you, if he removes something from your life, He’s going to replace it with something better. But is He really?
As far as Lewis goes, is he being stubborn? Is it his ego? Is it his pride? Or maybe he simply never cared? I really don’t know at this point. When someone you care for ignores you, your mind interprets it as physical pain. The silent treatment is a cruel and unusual punishment, it makes the receiver reconsider if they were the only one at fault, they pick themselves apart and analyze every little detail of the fight. They begin to find imperfections within themselves, they start to lose their self worth. Break ups are hard and we weren’t even exclusive. Not officially, granted we practically saw each other almost everyday, spent weekends together. Talked until the wee hours of the night, slept with each other, be intimate; to me, he was mine. But something about this generation, you have to have the talk of exclusivity otherwise you’re not in a relationship, even though it feels like you’re in a relationship. You do everything a couple does. But it’s not official.
I often try to put myself in his shoes, to try and understand why ? Walk with me here...I’m preparing an elaborate dinner, I even went and placed new batteries for a watch I plan on gifting to her later this evening. She’s one of the few girls who still wears a real watch, not a smart watch, but an actual watch. I’ve gone to multiple stores to gather all my ingredients and I also stop by to pick her up some desserts. She has a sweet tooth, just like I do. When she arrives, she is 30 minutes late, I’m not mad or anything, but I tease her about it because I was 29 minutes late to our first date. She kisses me hello. I tell her that she is inspiring me to be a better man, a better chef, a better lover. I tell her about my day, how I’m on a roll about yelling at three people within hours of each other because of masks, or shopping carts or whatever. Anyways, I might be feeling some kind of way.. not sure. I’ve been looking forward to seeing her. Because I feel good when she is around. She helps me mince up garlic, because I don’t really like doing it but I love copious amounts of garlic in my dishes. She is done with her task and she sits down and has some red wine, I’m not sure how many glasses she’s in now, maybe 2? I’m cooking, and then I nonchalantly show her a message thread I have going on with her roommate. She is upset, but I explain to her that it’s a friendly communication. I ask her if this is our first fight, she is arguing with me. So clearly it is. She’s just sitting there now, quiet. I’m still prepping. She then asks why I haven’t told her? I don’t feel I need to tell her anything. I don’t need to apologize for anything because I didn't do anything wrong. I mention that I do not get upset when she goes on dates with her ex. Is she entertaining the idea that they’ll get back together? She says no. She tells me that she’s been nothing but transparent with me about AJ, that is true. She gets up and walks to my room. She is in there for a bit. I’m still preparing dinner. I have a lot of things going on. Then she walks out and tells me she’s going home, I ask her if she staying for dinner and she shakes her head no and leaves. How do I feel? Am I upset that I am going through all this trouble for her and she just leaves? Am I mad that she didn’t come and talk to me? Am I perturbed that she’s clearly creating a bigger problem than it really is? She’s obviously overreacting. It was just messages... from
11 days ago. What’s the big deal? It’s completely innocuous.
I don’t call her, I don’t text her. I don’t see what I did wrong. I stand by my actions. I was neither flirty nor crossing any boundaries. If anyone did anything wrong, it’s her. She jumped into conclusions and did not appreciate what I am doing for her. I always have her on my mind, I bought her desserts and I got us coconut drinks to share. And I am doing all of this for her. And she just leaves. How does that make me feel? Slighted? Unappreciated? Inconsequential? Angry perhaps?
It was one time, even if I made him feel all those things, it was one time. We had months of laughter and intimate moments and wonderful memories. But I guess my actions from that one evening was the catalyst of our relationship’s demise.
I was contemplating sending a card for his birthday in March. I had already purchased a few to choose from. I also contemplated whether or not I should text him that day.
I did both things.🤦🏻♀️ I sent him a card and in it I told him that I love him.
I wished I had told him when we were still together because I do love him.
On Feb 26, I get a call from Fabio, he sounds scared. I ask him what is wrong and he tells me that he had fallen the night before and hit his head. There is blood and he is not sure what to do. I ask him if he wants me to come by and look at it. I go to Walmart and pick up some supplies and then I head over to his place. It’s Friday so I know that Lewis is at work. It’s close to 9 pm when I arrive there, I only have a few hours before he comes home. I take a look at Fabio’s cut and he has about a 2 1/2 inch laceration, it doesn’t appear deep, looks superficial, however it still needs to be treated. I put on some gloves and he is rinsing his hair with soap and water. I apply some antibiotic ointment on it and then I wrap a bandage around his head. I didn’t want it to get infected and he’s going to bed, so it’s no big deal. Once I completed it, I throw the wrappings in the trash and that’s when I saw it, the envelope I mailed his birthday card in. My heart is racing all of a sudden. I don’t know whether to feel good or sick to my stomach, because what if the card is in the trash too? I sent it a few days early just so he would get it before his birthday. Fabio offers me a drink, so I have a glass of wine. We catch up a little bit and it’s getting later now, and I have the card stuck in my head. I want to look in their trash. I should just straight out and ask Fabio but I think I was fearful of the answer. I ask him what time he is expecting Lewis. He says he should be coming home around 11. He decides to call him, he goes and talks to him in the hallway. I try to inconspicuously go through his trash to see if my card was in there as well. I couldn’t find it. So, maybe it was in his room? Hopefully. Maybe he read it. Maybe he kept it. I will never know. Fabio comes back and I sit down like I did not just ruffle through their trash. He tells me that Lewis is actually on his way home. For a minute, I thought I should have stayed to talk to him, but I didn't want him to feel I was ambushing him, so I opted not to. I figured, if he wanted me to stay, he would have told Fabio to tell me to stay. So I go home. I leave it alone.
Thursday March 18, I have a dream about him and wake up at 2:30 am.
I dreamt that he was with me, he had on his navy blue polka dot shirt. He didn’t have any facial hair. He looked like he did years ago, when I first met him; coifed hair, clean face, without his facial hair I had forgotten he has a chin dimple. He was upset with me for something, but he kissed me so it was fine. Then we were in a club and he’s dancing, and there’s other people around us but then he leans to me and kisses me again, kind of to show that he was mine. Next, we were in bed, cuddling. Then I woke up. And sleepily.... I send him an email....🙈🤡😳
I write:
I had a dream about you, I guess I felt compelled to reach out one last time. First we were talking, you were wearing the blue polka dot shirt, you seemed upset with me, your face was clean. But you kissed me and we made up. Then, we were at the club, and you started dancing and you turned to kiss me again. And then we were in bed. Cuddling. And now I’m awake. Lewis, I really wished you’d set your ego and your pride aside this one time and just come talk to me. You’re probably thinking I’m stupid. Actually you might just trash this.
Just so you know, all girls are jealous. Relationships take work, there’s going to be miscommunications and fights and tears. You’re going to assume things- well me, I jump, no I leap to conclusions. If I feel like I’m not wanted, I remove myself. And to be honest, that’s how I felt that night and that’s why I left. I know that you were in the middle of making a lavish dinner for me and maybe you felt humiliated and slighted. Idk, because you won’t talk to me. But Lewis, you are being stubborn and cold and heartless right now. When you’re older and you look back at what we had, you might regret walking away from it. But by then I’ll be dead, cuz you know, I’m old.
Idk if you got my letter or my card. Or if you even care anymore.
But it hurts like hell. All these songs I hear, remind me of you. When I go out and I see a white SUV, I look to see if it’s you. Everyone tells me to let go, because you already have. I guess I just believed what we have is really special and rare. That Saturday, I asked you if you believed in “if you’re meant to be you’ll come back” you said no, because if you’re meant to be then why break up?I half agreed with you, but couples fight sometimes and shit like this happens, but you fight for your person. You also told me that you thought I am your soulmate. I saw the way you looked at me. You didn’t say it, but I know you love me too. You told me you were getting attached to me. Lewis, I’m sorry I left that night. I forgot that I knew you only wanted me. I told AJ about us, he told me, “fuck you” and he called me a whore. He’s never sworn at me before. Stop being so proud and talk to me like an adult.
Good lord, you’re so stubborn.
Sent from my iPhone
Silence......
So, when you’re at your lowest point, do you give up or do you keep trying? If you’re a fool, you keep trying.
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