Can We Kiss Forever?

March 3

Today is your birthday and I am restless. It’s 1:34 am and I nonchalantly decide I would text you, even though I know it’s futile. I text: 

Me: I know you’ll ignore this, like everything I’ve sent you. Happy Birthday.

Shocker, no reply. I know what you’re thinking, he’s playing hard to get and I should just show up at his place unannounced, right? I mean, he’s clearly obsessed with me. 

No response is a response, I know that; I should just pick up what dignity I have left and move the fuck on. I just can’t seem to grasp it right now. That was going to be my last-ditch effort. I really just wanted to be sincere and let him know that I was thinking of him on his day. But that wasn’t a very good text, I should have put more thought into it, but then again it was 1:30 in the morning, so fuck it.  

The more days pass, I begin to lose hope that he’ll return. But what makes me think he will return in the first place? They say everything happens for a reason; then why bring someone into my life who I thought is perfect for me and then take him away? Is there a lesson here I need to learn? Or perhaps it’s my karma? They also say, we meet people for a reason, either they’re a blessing or a lesson. I really believed in my heart, he is a blessing, that he is my red string. However, if you must include the lesson, I really did learn a thing or two, about myself.

Btw, who are “they”? And why are “they” always saying stupid shit? Ok, I’m bitter, if you can’t tell.

Let me tell you a story about a girl and a boy...                                                                                                                                                                            The boy, we will refer to him as Lewis.

When I first met Lewis, it was many moons ago. Oh goodness, he was in his mid 20s. Baby face, little chin dimple, very good looking. My first date with AJ (who is now my ex) was at his restaurant. He actually introduced us. I remember my first impression of him, I found myself attracted to him. He wore a black button down shirt with rolled up sleeves a quarter up his arms, he had on black slacks, his usual work uniform. His ethnicity is quite ambiguous. He’s tall and fit, he has dark hair that he slicked back with obsidian eyes, incredibly handsome features; soft jawline, fair skin that could easily tan in the summer days and soft pinkish lips. He has three distinct freckles on his left cheek. He’s one of those guys that every body likes. And not because he's aesthetically pleasing, but he’s very charming and truly an eloquent speaker with a very expansive vocabulary. He has a recognizable voice, like if you heard him at the grocery store but you didn't see him, you’d still know it was him. You can talk to him about anything. You could say, he’s quite worldly. He also has great teeth and smile that’ll make you weak in the knees. I’d say he’s very dreamy.

So let’s start from the beginning.  

Thursday, Nov 12.  

AJ wanted to take me to dinner. AJ is older, mid 40’s, refined, he has brown hair with blue eyes like the Atlantic Ocean, you could get lost in them if you stare too hard. He’s very confident. He’s neither tall nor short, he’s about 5’9”. He has a dad bod and he’s constantly telling really bad dad jokes. But he makes me laugh. He’s very intelligent and charming in his own ways. He’s an extremely hard worker. He’s soft spoken, he hardly ever raises his voice. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell at anyone. He has a generous heart, he will give you the shirt on his back if he knew you needed it. He’s very considerate and kind and genuine. Long story short, we dated for four years. In the end I had to walk away for my own sanity. We are trying to remain platonic, it’s new for both of us and we’re still navigating this friendship without bringing up old scars; it is challenging to say the least, but he’s been a really good friend. 

This is the weekend before they shutdown indoor dining for a second round. San Diego is now in the Purple Tier. AJ recommends the restaurant that Lewis works at. I happily agree. It’s close by, it’s not too fancy that you have to get really dressed up for but it’s not your local casual bar either. He plans to pick me up and drive us there. He arrives with a dozen red roses and tells me that whoever I date, I should expect this type of treatment, if not, then he’s not good enough. He had always put me up on a pedestal, treated me like a princess, very attentive and accommodating to my needs. He tries very hard. Even though I expressed to him that I do not want to dress up, I attempt to get dolled up anyway. After all, it has been months since I wore makeup and styled my hair or even wore jeans for that matter. Plus, I might meet the man of my dreams.

We arrive at the restaurant around 6 pm and it’s fairly crowded, but we get a table without reservations. There are multiple big parties here, everyone must be out because it’s the last weekend. As we enter, there are booths on the left side all occupied by patrons, we walk past the bar and I scan for Lewis. He sees us, I wave and he waves back. AJ and I get seated on the side of the bar, about 20 feet away on a high top. They’re extremely busy and no one has taken our drink order yet. Lewis is very observant, he notices the irritation in AJ’s demeanor and he comes over and brings a beer for him and red wine for me. We’re considered somewhat “regulars” so he knows our Poison. He chats with us, AJ proceeds to ask him if he is married yet? We haven’t seen him since the initial shutdown in March 2020. To my surprise, Lewis tells us he is now single. Let me tell you, that was music to my ears, my eyes sparkled with joy as I gazed up to meet his eyes and saw our future. Now, I’m thinking to myself, how do I let him know that I am single too without looking like an asshole. I mean, I am here with a man, he’s my ex but he doesn’t know that. So, I tell myself Think Victoria, think! And then I blurted out, “He’s single too!” And pointed to AJ. Because if AJ is single, then so am I. Lewis looks over at him and asks, “How’s that going?”. AJ just kinda shakes his head. And then, Lewis turns to me, his mask is hanging on the side of his face revealing a beard. It’s been a few years and he’s even more attractive now, it’s the first time I see him with facial hair, he wears it well. His hair is swept to the side, he looks the same just a little more mature. He smiles at me, his eyes twinkle, he asks me if I could set him up with anyone that looks like me. I think I got all giddy. I couldn’t hide it because AJ made a comment about it later. He’s not too thrilled. I can’t say I blame him. Lewis checks in on us here and there. While I enjoy the attention, AJ is somewhat jealous, I can see it in his eyes. Yet I tease him and ask if he thinks Lewis likes me. AJ doesn’t find any humor in it, but I was seriously curious.

AJ and I have a unique relationship, I don’t think a lot of people understand it. We used to be romantic, but that was years ago, my love for him now to this day has evolved to friendship. He’s always been there for me. We don’t always have the best communication but in the end, he’s never given up on me. Even when he should. Tonight, I am asking him why he does the things he does. He records his answer on a dictaphone for me to listen to later. We have a good conversation about love and relationships. 

We both order our filet. I enjoy mine with their rich mushroom sauce and he likes it with the gorgonzola cheese sauce. Lewis takes our order. He has this elegance about him that just draws people in. I can’t help but be mesmerized by his presence. I think AJ notices, I try to play it off.                                                               For an Italian restaurant, they have amazing filet mignon. I also order a dessert. This decadent chocolate lava cake and within minutes I devour it. I still have my eye on Lewis and I glance at him from time to time. I know that I’m being insensitive because of who I am there with, but I feel compelled to do something tonight. I feel like, this entire evening is fated. Had AJ and I not gone here for dinner, I would not have learned of his status. He’s been in a relationship for like 7 years, two different girls, of course. So there was never an opportune moment for us, until tonight. And I’ve also been in a relationship for the past 11 years, also two partners- but tonight presented itself and I felt obligated to take it. AJ is picking up on something I can’t tell, he jokingly asks if I’m paying, I tell him no and he tells me to behave myself. He pays the bill and goes outside to have a smoke. I’m at the table alone now, I consider leaving my number for him on the bill but I think it might be tacky seeing as I’m here with another man, even though he is my ex. I consider going up to him and just giving him my number, I can’t do that either. I contemplate on what to do. I don’t know why I am feeling so nervous, I’ve spoken to him a million of times. It’s just Lewis. Finally, I stop thinking and I just act, I put on my sweater, whip my hair back, I take a deep breath, I turn around and I notice him looking at me, I think he’s looking at me, he could be looking behind me, I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t be sure, I walk over to the bar and ask him when he will be working next. That is all I could muster up to say. He says he’ll be here next weekend. Perfect, I can come alone and somehow get his attention. I can figure out the deets later.

I have a busy week, I am flying out to Seattle Saturday morning. I have a lot of errands to run after work. I still need to pack. I need to go to storage to get my suitcase. I needed to find a heavy jacket, it’s actually winter in Washington not like in San Diego. I needed to pick up my anxiety meds for flying. Everyday, there was something to do. But most important, I still needed to go see Lewis. I just wasn’t sure if it would be Thursday or Friday. I told myself I would go Thursday but I ended up going to get my suitcase and packing that evening. AJ came over to hang out. I haven’t been single in 11 years and for the first time, I am happy. I’ve been obsessed with Miley’s new song, Edge of Midnight. It was my anthem for three months, I lived by it. It made me feel very empowering. It gave me a lot of confidence too. Like, I didn’t need any man to make me happy. I just needed myself. I didn’t need anyone’s love, just my own. I only needed me. Miley, you know what you’re doing! 

We were having a good time and then we got into a fight, and then he left. That was common in our relationship. When we fought, he would just take off. I’d cry and we’d text. He never ignored me, but the issue was never resolved either, it would take days or even weeks for us to discuss it in detail. We really didn’t have great communication. That was normal for me, I always had to shed tears. I never fully trusted him, always believed he would be unfaithful. I was constantly suspicious of everyone too, I truly had a problem with trust. However, I still believed I’m a good partner; considerate, generous, loving, appreciative. I loved my person wholeheartedly; unconditionally. But, I had this nagging fear that someone was better than me and my partner would leave me for them. It was my Achilles heel. It’s a battle I constantly have in my head, I’ve yet been able to control it. That evening, he came back. He realized his mistake and wanted to resolve the issue at the present moment. I told him that he should have done more of that in the past, it’s too late now, but I still appreciated his efforts. He really wants to reconcile, I am aware of that, but not at the moment. My heart had enough and could not handle it anymore. At times, being friends was difficult, I had so much resentment towards him. But recently, I am feeling liberated and very happy with myself, not for being a bitch to him, I was just happy in general. I didn’t have to answer to anyone and I loved it. He felt I was rubbing it in his face. We eventually come to an understanding. When I am sober, I can have a reasonable conversation despite feeling anger or upset, it’s when I’m drinking. That’s my problem.

Friday, Nov 20.                                                                                                                                                  

I decide I am going to go and see Lewis after work. I know if I don’t go today, this is never going to happen and this is my only chance. I have a plan of action, if I order take out, I could potentially be at the bar and I can fraternize with him. I will purchase a gift from the neighboring toy store and then pop in with an “excuse” as to why I’m in the area and I casually come over next door to order take out from my friend Lewis. That works right? I always knew that he found me attractive, but I wasn’t sure if the feeling was mutual. Out of all the men I dated prior, none made me feel as nervous the way Lewis did. I’m so nervous, like butterflies in my stomach nervous. My heart is beating fast and my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy... oh wait that’s Eminem. But that song is very fitting, “...you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”

A girl’s gotta shoot her shot too right? I’m excited in anticipation. I am pacing back and forth outside of the restaurant, second guessing whether I should go in or not, eventually I think to myself Fuck it, just go in. He’s only a boy.

I walk in and I ask them if they are doing take out, I already know the answer, but you know, I have to play the part, the man at the front says yes and a waitress motions me to follow her to the bar. I see Lewis immediately, even though I am not wearing my glasses, I recognize his silhouette from afar. My heart is pounding and once again, I am feeling nervous. He’s just a boy, he’s just a boy, he’s just a boy...I have on my mask and so does he. Six years later and he’s even dreamier, with his facial hair, I am so attracted to him. I wave to him but I can tell he’s not sure who I am. He comes closer and asks me how I am doing, and when I speak he instantly realizes that it’s me. I am delighted.

In the meantime, the waitress is still here awaiting my order and I’m thinking Lady, please leave me alone so I can flirt with this guy, you are totally cockblocking me right now! She finally leaves, it’s as though she reads my mind. I tell her I need a moment. A few minutes later she comes back to get my order.

Lewis and I chat for bit, I’m still incredibly nervous. I’m sitting at the bar now and I have removed my mask. I’m only drinking water. The lighting is dim in there so I wasn’t too concerned with my appearance that evening. I have on a blue denim shirt and my hair is swept to the side, slightly curled. I’m having a conversation in my head on how I’m going to give him my number all the while he’s talking, I must have looked really confused. He asks me if I have children because of the toy bag I have around my arm. I tell him that it’s a gift for my nephew. I will be flying out to Seattle tomorrow for the Holidays. He tells me that he was just there recently as well. I ask him for some tips and recommendations. He leaves his phone with me with some info on it and I am tempted to just add my number, but he has a Samsung and I didn’t know how to use it. Facepalm. And then he came back and I got scared, so I set it down. I know it’s another smart phone but it’s just not the same. I finally get the courage to ask if he has social media. I figure, that’s a stepping stone and I can start the communication from there. He tells me his handle and I request him on the spot. My food on the other hand, had arrive and it’s been sitting here for a good ten minutes. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to talk to him more, but more patrons enter the restaurant and I take it as a cue to leave. I think to myself, since I have some form of contact, I might as well go. Once I get into my car, I send him a message:

Hi, it’s Victoria. In case you didn’t recognize me.😜

About 10:30 pm, I get a reply from Lewis, he tells me he’s still at the bar but should be leaving soon. He goes grocery shopping at the local Ralphs nearby. He sends me a picture of a bottle of Gin owned by Snoop Dog. I’m not sure if he purchases it or not. We continue chatting on IG. I figure he would just give me his number but he doesn’t. I’m in bed, it’s late, I have to get up at 5am to catch my flight the next day. But I also want to talk to him. I’ve had a crush on him for like ever. Since the day I met him 6 years ago. He actually confesses to me that he’s had a crush on me too. Yay!! We talk about relationships, I elaborate on my break up with AJ. He shares his break up story as well. He said he was so heartbroken, it was his first experience, he was depressed all through the Pandemic. He also tells me that he plans on moving to Boise in 2021. He seems to have it all figured out. Hearing that was a little discouraging, for me. He tells me that I am sexy and funny and he’s surprised that I am single. I tell him that I just haven’t been ready to date. He shares music with me and I do the same. We have very similar taste in music. What surprised me the most is that he loves Shania Twains’  You’re Still The One. We jokingly say that this will be our wedding song.

I introduce him to old songs and he introduces me to songs I have never heard of. I like it. He’s really funny, even though it’s all on the gram, I can sense he’s lighthearted and intelligent and provocative. He’s into conspiracy theories and nature and the universe. I am very much enjoying my conversation with him. He also sends me his playlist from Spotify. A lot of his songs are songs that I love. He tells me I am beautiful. He’s also very active, he enjoys the snow, a lot. He’s very into Asian foods. He loves food in general, which is a plus. He sends me pictures of Asian fruits that I don’t recognize but I lie and tell him I do, I don’t know why. To score points? He sends me pictures of him and his pup, it’s not really his pup, it’s his roommates but the pup is obsessed with him. We talk about movies, I am just waiting for him to ask me out but he hasn’t. Do I need to ask him out? Ugh, young guys! I told myself that I would not date younger men 1. They’re argumentative 2. They’re immature 3. They’re impatient 4. They’re inconsiderate 5. They’re stubborn. I later find out, he’s 1/5. We chat until 3am, I finally tell him I need to go to sleep. When I tell him goodnight, he tells me he hopes to see my pretty face soon. The next day I fly out, I send him a picture of me in the plane. We don’t chat too much when I’m in Seattle, although we do message nearly everyday. The first place I stay at does not have great reception so I give him my number to text me, and this little fucker never calls me or text me! I’m, like WTF, I thought you liked me! Ugh, whatever.

On Thanksgiving, we exchange food pictures and have small chitchat here and there. I send him pics of the weather and of myself with the kiddos. At this point, I really didn’t know what else to say, when I get back I am certain he’ll ask me out.  Nope.  Nada.  Zilch. I’m aware he’s currently taking MBA classes, he’s renovating his parent’s home to sell and he’s working the weekends and he’s also helping another friend with his home. He’s a busy guy, I know it. But because I didn’t have his number, we only communicate via IG, and sometimes he wouldn’t reply until a few hours later, I’m beginning to feel discouraged. Yet, I feel this intense pull to him, I needed to spend time with him. I really wanted to see him. We continue talking for the rest of the month and into December. We try to make plans but for some reason, they fall through. Eventually, I ask him to go shopping with me. I haven’t seen him since I popped into his restaurant back in November. Good Lord, I just want to sit on his face already, I mean see his face. We set a date a few days before Christmas. 

Tuesday Dec 22.  First Date 

It’s 5:30 pm and I’m at the mall, I message him to meet me at the Corner Bakery. He messages me that he is running late, he has to drop his pup at the apartment. I start browsing in Anthropologie, I’m in the beauty section and I stumble upon these candles with different color thread tied to it. One reddish string stands out to me, it’s just there, not attached to any candle, so I take it in my hand. I causally stick it in my pocket. Shortly after, I exit the shop, cuz you know, some people might consider that as stealing. I walk across to Banana Republic. AJ calls me, he asks what I am doing that night. While I did tell him I am at the mall, I omitted who I would be at the mall with. I tell him I need to do some last minute shopping, I really didn’t but my date did. I should have told him, I didn’t do that either. We get off the phone.                                                                                                                                                           

Now I am second guessing if Lewis even likes me, I’m not confident that he even wants to see me. He is 29 minutes late, luckily we are meeting at the mall so I am not too bothered by it. He finally calls me and we meet outside of B.R. I come out and he rushes to me and greets me with a big hug. Maybe he does like me. He is not wearing a jacket, he only has on a long sleeve shirt with brown pants and a brown suede cap backwards. He looks so casual, I have never seen him like this. I am so used to seeing him at his work wearing all black. He looks normal? Still dreamy but normal. I try to look casual too, I have on jeans and a black shirt and this navy twill utility jacket from Gap.

I ask him what shops he needs to go to. He says he just needs to get a gift card from Lululemon. So we head that way and of course there’s a huge line, I tell him that he should ask if we can just purchase a GC and they inform us that there is pop up store in the center of the mall. We proceed to head that way, he purchases the GC and we continue walking and talking. He reaches his hand out to me but I do not take it. Eventually, I do end up putting my arm in his. This entire time, I’m still feeling nervous and excited. I’ve known this guy for so long, granted I didn’t know him, know him but I knew him, does that make sense? 

As we continue walking, we head towards Raised By Wolves, of course they are closed but we notice there are patrons sitting in the neighboring restaurant. We walk closer to the Winery and they are serving guests. So we go in and they seat us next to a heater on a high top. We are able to remove our masks, which is good, I really want to see his handsome face. I’m in awe that I’m finally on a date with him. I didn’t think this night would ever come, the wait was totally worth it.  

We order wine, we talk about everything and anything. We talk about soulmates. I ask him if he believes in the red string theory. The red string theory is also referred to as the Red Thread of Marriage, it is an East Asian belief originating from Chinese mythology. It is commonly thought of as an invisible red cord around the finger of those that are destined to meet one another in a certain situation as they are “their true love”. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. I guess you could say, its like a twin flame? Your one true ultimate soulmate.

He tells me he hasn’t heard of it, I’m surprised because he’s part Asian, so I thought perhaps he’d have heard of this folklore. As I’m explaining to him the theory, he starts moving his pinky close to my pinky as if it’s being magnetically drawn to each other and then I remember something!

I reach into my left pocket and produce the “reddish” thread I had stolen from the shop earlier. So, maybe things do happen for a reason? He’s pleasantly surprised! He states I had all this planned out. I really didn’t, it just worked out that way. It’s kismet. LOL

The restaurant has a really great playlist going on, we comment on it. They play The XX’s Intro.

Not too many people know it, but he knows it. I tell him it’s one of my favorite songs. He is a huge music person, he declares it’s one of his love languages. For some reason, I am so gassy, I keep burping. I do this thing when I burp, I turn the other way and blow it out. He says to me that he wants me to burp in his face. Must be a millennial thing? I do not humor him. And then this one song came on, Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo.

I proceed to tell him a story about a destination wedding I had attended and the bride, my best friend, kept requesting this song and it played all night long. When I’m about to reveal to him the destination, he blurts out Jamaica. He almost falls out of his chair, because it’s correct! It’s almost like, he already knew before I even uttered the words. He says the world is a simulation. And he gives me examples of why he thinks that. Sometimes, he will think of something and it just happens, like thinking about a song and it playing. Or thinking of someone and then they call you. I think it’s just his sixth sense.

We have a strong connection and I think we both realize it. There’s definitely chemistry here. I’m extremely attracted to him and I haven’t felt this way about someone in a very long time. We have great conversation, I can literally talk to him about anything. He’s incredibly funny and sarcastic. He totally gets me. There’s definitely something here. The waitress comes by and chats with us for a bit, she’s quite lovely. In fact she hooks us up, we had about four glasses of wine, they were around $14 each and when the bill came, she barely charges us. It must have been his charm and his good looks. My phone rings and it’s AJ, he has been texting me all night but I ignored him because I’m on a date. He has been calling because he was worried. After the 3rd call, I finally answer. I lie to him and tell him I bumped into Megan and we had wine. I should have just told him the truth.                                                                                                                                                                                      The mall is closing down so we decide to leave, we go back to our cars, we opt to go into mine and we continue talking for hours, maybe four? I even confess to him my plan to get his number the night I went to see him at the restaurant. He laughs because he had no clue. Men are so oblivious. We reminisce about the times I used to go in there with AJ. He tells me had a crush on me the entire time. I tell him about this one memory that stands out in my mind, AJ had gone to the bathroom and Lewis came over and was talking to me, no flirting or anything and I just remember when AJ returned, he made a comment that stayed with me, he asked me if Lewis was hitting on me and that maybe he liked me. Lewis tells me he kinda remembers that night. We talk about “red flags”. I ask him if I raised any red flags for him; he said no, unless it was me trying to convince him of iPhone superiority to Samsung, which by the way, it is. Who knew, that six years later we would be here? Sitting in my car and talking and laughing until 12am. Crazy when life throws you a curve ball. 

At this point, he says he needs to pee, he’s been holding it for the past couple of hours. We decide to part ways. I walk him to his car, he parked about ten feet away, to my surprise he also has a white SUV, that’s weird. Ok, not that weird, everyone and their mother has a freaking white SUV. But, that is kinda weird right? Like soulmate weird..... ? Ha, I’m an idiot.

I try on his cap and end up taking it with me that evening, he says it looks good on me. I just wanted something of his. I also invite him over for Christmas Eve. He tells me he has to work that evening but he could stop by prior to going in. He gives me a hug goodnight and we drive off, we also have to pay additional for staying after hours, it’s only $6 extra, totally worth it. I would have paid $10.

I drive home, happy as a clam, but I don’t want to be too happy. I’m one of those who feared if you’re too happy, things will just go wrong, it’s called cherophobia. Let me tell you something, that fear is real. What I should have done, was expressed my fears so that he could understand where I was coming from. I am almost home and he sends me a link to Spotify to a song call Long Way Home by ATB.

I kinda listen to it. Okay, I didn’t listen to it, I still haven’t. Ooops. We start texting immediately and he tells me that he kinda misses me. It’s definitely a memorable first date.

Wednesday Dec 23.                                                                                                                                

AJ is coming over to exchange gifts. This is our “Christmas”.

I bought him three bottles of Game of Thrones Scotch by Oban. And I bought him a red string bracelet too, for luck and to release negative energy. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky or malicious or conniving. My intentions are pure. He comes over at 5:30ish. He’s never late. He comes bearing gifts. His original idea was to prepare a steak dinner and do our exchange. Even though this was already planned way before I went on a date with Lewis, for some reason I felt bad,I didn’t know if I felt bad for AJ or for Lewis, and I am single but it’s still an odd feeling. It wasn’t a feeling of betrayal in the cheating manner, it felt betrayal in the not being honest manner, AJ and Lewis knows each other. AJ may disapprove if he learns that it’s him, I’m not sure why but maybe just cuz they know each other? I also didn’t want him to put in all that effort and energy, as I didn’t have anything grand to reciprocate. Also, he does so many nice things for me, the man deserves to get laid! But not from me. We’re not together and we are just friends. We start opening gifts almost immediately. I start, I open a small box and there are gift cards in them. He opens his first one and it’s one of the bottles. I open another small box and it’s more gift cards, he opens the second bottle. I open the third box and it’s a bracelet from Tiffany’s. It’s the bracelet I have always wanted. It’s the Heart Tag Bead Bracelet. He opens his third bottle. 

I open the last box, I can tell from the shape of the box what it is....

Red bottoms! This fucker got me Red Bottoms! Of course, I feel I obligated to give him a blowjob. (I don’t). But he definitely deserves one. I am jumping up and down and I give him a peck, on the lips, no tongue or anything. For all of you wondering, I am single. I can go on a date yesterday and hang out with an ex today. No one owns me. Plus, I am excited, you know how we get with excitement?! Except that it may have mislead him. He opens his last gift, it’s the bracelet and I tie it on his wrist. I tell him that it’s for absorbing negative energy and when you lose it, it means it has absorbed all it could, it has served its purpose. He tells me that that is his favorite. He goes home around 9ish and I am ecstatic over my new heels, I love them.

The very next day, I have plans to see Lewis again. In one of our many messages, he had told me that he enjoyed Tom DeLonge’s books and he’s into these conspiracy theories, so I found one of the books and purchased it from Amazon in case he winds up spending Christmas Eve with me. This was long before I even invited him. I also purchased a red string bracelet for him too. Again, this was not meant to be deceitful, I buy plenty of people the red string bracelets for good luck. I also got one for myself, for Megan, for Shellie and for Nis.

Thursday, Christmas Eve

I go and visit Nis after work, I want to give her her presents and she tells me she has something for me as well. Nis is a ferocious lioness. She is a girl boss who is supportive and pushes you to be the best version of yourself; she listens without judgement, she advises without bias, and she is always rooting for you. She is my mentor, my confident and best of all, she is my friend. Without her, I wouldn’t have been able to get through a lot of my life challenges.

I go to her house and she presents me with my gift first, its a vegan bag. She notices I have been wearing this cotton bag as my purse, although it’s aesthetically unattractive, it does its duty, which holds all my content. I appreciate her gift, I love it. It’s two bags in one. So that’s cool.

I give her mine, I have a bag full of goodies for her. I bought her a GOT whisky bottle, Stark.  A red bracelet, some masks, lip gloss and a Victoria Secret ornament panty. It’s not inappropriate, I just liked that it had my name on it. She tells me I am a great gift giver. She makes me some ramen, I eat it fast, I needed to go home and meet Lewis, but I also had to pick up my duck. I spend about an hour with her and then I leave. 

 

I go pick up my Peking duck and rush home so that I could get there before Lewis arrives. He gets to my place minutes after I get home. I really didn’t get a chance to get beautified and I did not get a chance to wrap his gifts, because I didn’t know he was coming until two nights ago. Ok, I guess I had time. I’m wearing a black dress and I have my hair down. He has on a polka dot shirt with brown pants. He looks so dreamy. It’s his first time coming to my house and he parks a ways away. I meet him outside by the pool and he has a couple of bags in his possession. Once we enter the apartment, he hands me a bag with a snake plant inside which I love. I also have one in my room. He also gives me a bottle of wine by “Capaldo and Thief” (not actual name) he says it’s fitting because it’s his last name. As it turns out, it’s much more fitting than just his last name because I often like to “take” from restaurants and steal their glassware, you know, kinda like a thief. Ergo, he is Capaldo and I am Thief. Get it? Cute, right?? We’re so meant to be. He realized it too when I showed him my collection of Restaurant glassware. #C&T 

Once he gives me the gifts, I tell him that I have something for him too. I give him the box the book was delivered in, he is pleasantly surprised, he did not expect anything at all. And then I also give him the red bracelet. When I gave him this red bracelet, it was more to tie in the red string theory story I had told him on our first date and of course, to deflect negative energy from him as well. I also wish him luck and good karma. I still do. I tie it on his right wrist since he’s a lefty.

I have the duck and I’m preparing the charcuterie board, neither of my roommates are home. There is some kind of miscommunication about tonight’s celebration. But it all works out. My roommates come home and I introduce everyone.

Dorothy and Sheldon. They’re both women.

Dorothy is a beautiful Haitian women who smells like the meadow. She’s very elegant and fine. She’s like a bottle of wine, she ages very well. She’s a gemini, like myself, so she gets moody. She will always be upfront to you. She will tell you how it is and never be fake to you. She has a heart of gold and she’s very empathic. She’s a good soul. She approves of him right off the bat, she really likes him, for me. Two thumbs up, she exclaims. I really like him too. And I’m proud, this amazing man, whom I have known for years is here with me, I am beyond ecstatic and he’s single! I always felt something between us all those years, I just didn’t know what.  

Sheldon is young, she can be oblivious. She’s a very attractive woman. Very versatile. She’s into beating people up for sports, just kidding she’s into MuyThai and kickboxing etc. She also dances. Extremely physically active. She’s artistic and very book smart. She could learn to read the room a bit better though. She asks Lewis how long we’ve known each other, we both answer in synchrony that we’ve known each other for about 5 years. 6 years actually.

He was charming and funny and he made a really good impression on the girls.

He stayed until 4:30ish, I believe he was already late to work. But it’s only a few min from here.

As I walk him to his car, I invite him to come back after he finishes his shift. He happily agrees. He drives me back to the apartment and I thank him for the gifts, because he didn’t have to get me anything, he reciprocates. He is so appreciative. That is so attractive. I wanted to kiss him but felt it was too soon so I just said goodbye and exited the car.

My friend and her beau comes over around 6ish. Megan and Clint. I know Megan from Shellie. They’re cousins. I had visited Shellie when I was in Seattle. Megan is very smart, very good conversationalist. She has a goal and now it had been derailed by love.

Clint is older, mature and a very hard woking man. He could not stop gushing over Megan, she’s clearly the love of his life and he wanted the world to know it. It’s so sweet and she just wanted him to shut up. I thought it was endearing. I really wanted them to meet Lewis too. It was getting late and I hadn’t heard from him. It was almost 11pm and still nothing, so the couple took off. Finally a little after 11:30pm, Lewis replies, he drove some patrons home because they drank too much and ended up drinking with them at their house. He comes over after with a bottle of Heineken.

He finally arrives around midnight, he is still full of energy. He recounts the events that took place at work. He enjoys what he does and he’s really good at it. He is famished, he eats whatever leftovers we have. He hasn’t eaten since he left here 7 hours ago. I did try to save him some duck. As we’re talking I would try to find a way to touch him. I’d set my hand on his to reach over to get a plate. I’d lightly graze his arm or touch his back as I walked from the bathroom and to my chair. I tried to find some excuse, any excuse to touch him. When I touched him, it was electric. I feel so drawn to him. My roommates have all gone to their rooms so we are alone. He is now sitting on the bar chair across from me. He dreamily gazes at me with his dark piercing eyes, he smiles, his lips are are glazed and he subtly tells me he yearns to touch my lips with his. I feel shy all of a sudden, but I move closer to him, my heart is racing, his eyes locked with mine, my face mirroring him now, I close my eyes and I softly press my lips against his. They’re soft and pillowy, it feels as though time stood still, I parted my lips, I tenderly slip my tongue in his mouth, he washes over me like a wave addictively invading all my senses, I’ve lost all focus. At first it’s delicate, the flutters intensifies, I feel weak in the knees, the warmth of his breath is inviting and intoxicating. There’s raw emotion when he comes up for air and I catch his eyes peering at me, every breath he took smelled of whiskey. I inhale his essence. My whole body tingles, I can’t escape his pull. He draws me in closer and claims my mouth hungrily until I can’t take it anymore. It almost feels forbidden. I can taste the duck grease on his lips. Heat is rising up from my stomach to my throat, if he held me any closer, he might feel my heart beating through my chest. And then these thoughts came rushing to me:

1. I can’t believe I’m kissing Lewis!
2. Lewis is in my house!!
3. I’m kissing Fucking Lewis!!!

I don’t know why I am so awestruck, it’s just Lewis. I guess I just never thought that this would ever happen between us. Did I dream this moment to life? And he’s so different from Lewis at the bar. When Lewis is with me, he's vivacious and playful and exuberant and silly. His hair is always untamed and he is loquacious but I enjoy listening to him. He’s incredibly knowledgeable and I love his voice.

His cockblocking roommate keeps calling so he has to leave. He doesn’t want to leave me. I give him some food to go and walk him out to his car and I kiss him again, he says he wants to keep kissing me. There’s magic and I believe we both feel it.

I invite him over again for Christmas Day after his visits with his parents. He agrees. 

Once he got home at 3:56am, he texts me:

Lewis: Can I kiss you again asap

I’m already falling. I just didn’t know it yet. And this is only the second date. 

WTF! No, I’m not ready for this yet. I go to bed with a smile from ear to ear, also with a little of fear, that cherophobia kicking in again. It wasn’t just the physical connection or chemistry that made me so attracted to him, he really is thoughtful and sweet and kind. He’s like the male version of me, and I am sweet and thoughtful and kind, just sometimes a little crazy. But all girls are crazy.                                                                              

Friday, December 25 Christmas Day 

We don’t have plans until after 5 pm. So all day, I don’t really do much but I end up going to buy roast duck, Chinese broccoli and egg tarts and nom bao from Jasmine, I remember Lewis saying he wanted to eat nom bao.

This man, he did not arrive until well after 8pm. However, he did not come empty handed, he gifted me with some caramel stroopwafels and some other goodies.

The roomies invited their accountant, Jimmy, so he’s here as well, he also brought dessert.

We’re watching Wonder Woman 1984, the second installment.

It’s a good flick. When Lewis arrives I fix him a plate. I put a lot of food on there and he finishes it all, boy was I impressed. He was impressed with the spread. We sit at the bar. He’s telling me about his day. He doesn’t shut up and I just want to kiss him so bad. At one point I lean in to whisper nothing in his ear just so I could steal a kiss. I can tell early on that he’s smitten with me just as much as I’m smitten with him. It’s years of crushing on each other and it finally materialized. Jimmy decides he’s going home after the movie ends. Dorothy retires to her room, her Irish exit as per usual. Sheldon, however stays out here with us. I’m hoping she would retire too and it seems like she’s going to but then she keeps coming back out. She keeps asking him questions. And he's so loquacious, he keeps the conversation going. At one point I’m kind of perturbed, like girl, get your ass in your room so I can get some sexy time with my guy. I go to the restroom and when I come out, they are still talking or engrossed in conversation, idk WTF. It makes me feel somewhat annoyed, like WTF is going on here?!?!? And they both look at me, he tries to include me in the conversation but I don’t care I just want her to leave. It’s just weird, because she’s not like that with my ex, he’s the only other guy who I brought home. If she brought a guy over, I’d have the common sense to leave them alone, especially on Christmas.

Anyway, she finally leaves to her room. Thank God. I don’t even know how long at that point. Too long to be honest. I open the fridge door and ask him if he wants anything, he leans down and smells my hair, then he whispers, “I just want you to give me all your love.” I ask him, “Did you just smell my hair?” “Yes, you smell like rice, I like it.”  I get some water for myself, and we both walk towards the bar chairs, we gaze at each other, and then I couldn’t contain myself any longer, I stand on my toes and we start kissing like we haven’t seen each other. Even though we just saw each other 12 hours ago. He lowers himself down to me so that I don’t have to try so hard. The kiss is feverish, it’s sexy and sensual simultaneously. I ask him if he needs to pick up his roommate tonight, he says no but he requested some hot toddies to drink together. With that being said, I ask him to spend the night and I lead him to my bedroom. No, we did not have sex. This is only our third date. I know it’s Christmas and it would have been romantic, but we refrain ourselves.

When we get into bed, we make out like teenagers in the backseat of an old 1983 Chevy. It’s erotic, it's seductive, I caress him with my fingers ever so slowly and lightly all over his body and he is enraptured with my touch. I love that he loves it. I trace every inch of his arm and chest, I desire him immensely. I seriously cannot keep my hands or my lips off of him and he obviously cannot keep his hands off of me either. We don’t do much sleeping. It was an unforgettable night.

He really is everything I ever wanted. I still believe it. Despite everyone’s opinions.

I was in such a difficult, painful and toxic relationship for years. I think, due to that, I didn’t know how to act in a healthy relationship.

I prayed and prayed for someone like him. I guess you could say, he was my Christmas gift.

Have you always been there, standing right in front of me this entire time and I never knew it until now?

Saturday Dec 26

He awakes to me caressing his arm and he tells me that no one has ever done this before and he loves it. He said I really set the bar for him now. He revels in it. He kisses me. He tastes like sweet honeydew on a warm summer’s night. Unless he’s eating duck.                          

We talk and we agree to go to his place that evening to hang out with his roommate since he didn’t spend time with him last night.

I send him home with the egg tarts and leftovers for the doggy.

He is so appreciative of my givings. I love it. He makes me happy. But I don’t tell him.

He leaves me around 10ish. We message throughout the day, he fills me in with pictures and text of his day. I am so loving it. Did I tell you the best type of attention is a lot? He’s so communicative with his feelings for me.

At home, the girls and I watch Christmas movies. We watched Last Christmas with Daenerys (I know that’s not her real name) and Henry Golding. 

What a great movie! It was written by George Michael and inspired by the song “Last Christmas” and the soundtrack made up of his music including Wham.

It was so so good, if you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it! Once that was over, it was around 8ish, I started getting ready to go over to Lewis’ place. I wear a black dress and I pack an overnight bag, I intend on staying the night. I stopped at a grocery store to pick up some popcorn and a bottle of red wine, since the plan was to watch a movie. I also picked up some ginger ale because I was not in the mood to drink tonight. So basically, the soda was for me.

I arrive there with my goodies and Lewis greets me with his sweet kiss. He’s fixing a drink or two. Fabio, his roommate is already trashed, apparently he’s been drinking all day and holding in some animosity, towards me...evidently. Fabio has dark eyes and shoulder length dark hair. He really does look like Fabio from those sex books, but like exotic Fabio. He empties out my content from the grocery bag and he tells me my selection is horrid. He’s absolutely disgusted, he says I need to do better. So I take out the bottle of wine, the brand is Troublemaker, he’s still not impressed. He walks away in revulsion. Uhhh, ok. Diva much?  

I don’t take it personally nor do I give it much thought.

I sit down on the couch and I thought Lewis was going to sit next to me, but instead Fabio sits next to me. I’m kinda quiet, just kinda observing. 

And I’m pretty sure Fabio utters that I’m boring underneath his breath, but I ignore it.

Lewis gives Fabio his drink and sits on the other couch trying to find the movie I recommended. “Call Me By Your Name”.

Very romantic move, unconventional romance but romance nonetheless. Fabio looks over at me and asks, “So, what do you want to ask me?”

I’m caught off guard, I didn’t know I was conducting an interview tonight.

Since I am rather inquisitive by nature, I’m up to the challenge; this is why men love me on dates. When you allow men to talk about themselves, they love it.

I inquire about his travels. (Lewis had given me a tip that he travels a lot) His eyes start to light up reminiscing about all the places he had gone to. Lewis walks by to the kitchen and states that I didn’t ask him these questions on our date, then Fabio says that Lewis never asks him these questions ever and all of a sudden, the tension in the room is so think, you could cut it with a knife. I’m not sure WTF is going on here and I’m not even drinking but I ought to.

Fabio then proceeds to inform Lewis that his Christmas gift was cheap and thoughtless and that he spent way more money on him. Fabio gifted him a weighted blanket. Lewis is sitting on the couch at this point and he fires back. He tells Fabio he didn’t appreciate the remark he made about my snacks and that he spent countless hours working on the desk he refurbished for him, albeit it was collected from the trash, but he worked on it with his bare hands. Hey, another man’s trash is another man’s treasure, right? He poured love and labor into it, if someone made me a desk, I’d appreciate it more than some random item they picked up from Target. Nothing against Target, I love Target. He incites Fabio to stop it with the passive aggressive comments. He then whips the remote and motions me to follow him into his bedroom. As he closes the door behind him, I hear Fabio saying that I am a red flag. And I think to myself, how did I get involved in this confrontation? I lay low on Lewis’ bed, he comes to me and he is disgusted at tonight’s events. I encourage him to go back out and hear him out, Fabio wants to apologize. I kinda see a little bit of myself in Fabio, so in a way I felt for him, despite him not liking me for no reason, but I can get that way when I’m drunk and jealous. I start texting my roommates, I don’t know what to do right now. 

Do I stay? Do I leave?

WTF is a “red flag” supposed to do?

I try to listen against the wall, but I can’t really hear what they’re saying.

I think Lewis is saying that he’s being a cockblock.

Fabio is saying he’s drunk? Idk. Who the fuck knows? Why am I even a red flag?

Lewis comes back into the room. He is still clearly agitated. He tells me that a few months back he behaved the same way when he had another girl over. Mmmmhmmmm...

He apologizes to me profusely for witnessing the insolent tone of his roommate. Lewis tries to be the bigger person and eventually gives in and tells Fabio that they’re good and they can discuss it in the morning when he is sober. Fabio has to get up early for work too, so he ought to be going to bed. This happens a few more times before they end up hugging it out. Finally, Fabio retires to his room. WTF with these roommates and not going to their rooms! Fuck. We just want to be left alone. Please, go away!

When he returns, I nonchalantly ask why Fabio referred to me as a “red flag”?

He says it’s because I’m still friends with AJ. My married ex. Oh? I didn’t mention that AJ is a non happily married man? Yeah, hence toxic and difficult and painful relationship.

I tell him that I would end the friendship if he wanted me to, (sorry AJ, if you’re reading this) he said it didn’t bother him. That was the end of that discussion.

He suggests we go to my place. He wants to move out. He had his own place for while but felt it was bad ju-ju with both his exes. He explains a bit about their fight. He elaborates on the girl he brought over, he says they only kissed, she didn’t spend the night. And that was the last time he saw her. I tell him, it’s ok. It’s not a big deal. I can accept that he met other women before me. I change into my nighty. He is shirtless but he keeps his lounge pants on. He has some chest hair, it’s soft. He smells nice. He puts on some music. We start kissing. When we get physical, it’s sultry and sensuous. He kisses me like he’s in love with me. Tender and sweet and full of emotions. He kisses my neck up and down. He’s on top of me, we don’t have sex tonight but I really want to. And he’s ok with it. We continue kissing passionately for a long while, I had taken a Benadryl due to the doggy and ended up falling asleep in his arms. I have never been with anyone who loves cuddling as much as I do, even while we sleep. Ahhh! I love it! Everything he does just melts my heart. Oh no, I don’t want to fall. Fuck. And it hasn’t even been a week yet. Can that happen? I think, when you know, you just know. But I didn’t want to know. I try to keep my feelings in check, I did not want to be in another relationship just yet. It wasn’t that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him, because I did, I wanted to be his. But I felt I still had some work to do on myself. I have an unreasonable jealous side, when she comes out, she is heartless. You can’t talk to her, she will not listen, she will believe whatever story she conjured up in her head and she will believe it until she is sober. Then she’ll realize her mistakes. 

Sunday Dec 27

We wake up the next day, we kiss and somehow, he does not have morning breath. I just don’t know how he does it. (I’ve already gone and brushed my teeth and washed my face) I am still wearing my nighty, which is a tiny tank top and short shorts. We eventually make it to the living room and he starts preparing coffee and breakfast. I go to use the restroom and I screech. “Fuckkkkkk!” I come out and he asks if everything is ok? I tell him, my period started. He then says, “Your body knows, you’re cleaning yourself out for a new guy!” I’m glad he finds some humor in it. He creates an egg and cheese and prosciutto breakfast quesadilla. It was so yummy. He had plans to help out his friend again, but I think my being there kept him from leaving. He also said he wanted to leave before Fabio came home.

He confesses that he’s always put me up on a pedestal and he thought I never liked him like that. I tell him that I have always had a thing for him. I felt like I’ve known him my whole life, he gives me this warm feeling of familiarity. It’s so easy to be around him. He says he feels the same way. And then he tells me I am homely. Huh? What now?  I feel insulted, I know it’s the morning and all, I am sorry I do not wake up glamorous. He elaborates and tells me I feel like home to him. Ohhhhhhhh. I correct him and tell him that homely is plain and unattractive. He says he did not mean it that way. He whispers in my ear that he’s extremely attracted to me and he likes me, we have captivating conversations and he thinks I am witty and I make him laugh. And he tells me I am the most beautiful Asian women he's laid eyes on, I tell him that is absurd and ask him how many women has he seen, he says only two, me and his mom. Haha, funny guy.

After breakfast, we go back into his room. Snuggled a bit more amongst other stuff and just talked and listened to music. He repeatedly tells me, music is his love language. I play songs for him and vice versa. I play Ashanti’s Only You. It was the best way to describe how he was making me feel.

We conversed some more about the previous night’s episode. He tells me, he’s surprised I’m still here. Why would I leave? To me, he’s already worth it.

It’s a little after 1 pm and Fabio is home. He knocks on the door and enters with the puppy and just makes himself comfortable in the recliner. He looks remorseful, he's quiet and nothing like last night, his demeanor is changed. I totally get it, when you’re drunk and you’re holding in your anger, you say and do things you don’t mean but you kinda do mean it to an extent. I’m still in my nighty btw, but he’s gay so I don’t really care too much. I do however suspect he may have a thing for Lewis. It’s not too far fetched, Lewis is extremely attractive. I think anyone who has seen him, male or female thinks he’s a universally attractive looking male. Fabio wants to make amends, he tells me he will make dinner on Tuesday night.

I agree that I will come by and we can start over.

I eventually leave and Lewis takes off to his friend’s house. 

Monday Dec 28

I go to work and call Lewis during my lunch break, he doesn’t answer.

He eventually texts me and tells me that he has been napping all day, he felt under the weather. He wasn’t sure if maybe it was COVID again, the flu or just a cold. I let him know that if he still feels unwell, we can cancel tomorrow.

It is a cold and rainy day, I wanted to go and get some soup for him but a part of me felt I could come across being aggressive? Or pushy so I opted not to. I went home and just relaxed. I messaged him a bit and let him rest.

Tuesday Dec 29

I go to work and AJ invites me out to lunch, we go to Panera Bread and I guess I butt-dialed Lewis, because he calls me back and so I answer, I’m in my car- he tells me that he’s feeling better and tonight is still on. I speak with him briefly. AJ is waiting for me outside. I get off the phone with Lewis and I want to tell AJ but for some reason I do not. It would have been a good day to have told him.

Since tonight is confirmed, I was going to make it count.

I go to the local liquor store near Fashion Valley, I pick up two bottles of Scotch from Game Of Thrones. One Stark and one Daenerys.

I also find Pliny The Elder and a few more from Russian River, they happened to have had them in stock so I picked up a few bottles. I also go to the Asian Market and pick up some soups, desserts and Maggi soy sauce, since he was not feeling great yesterday.

I call him when I get to his place, because I have a lot of things to bring up I needed his help.

He comes to my car, he greets me with a sweet kiss hello. He picks up the box of beer and liquor and I carry the rest of the items. Once we get to his apartment, he sets the the box down and inspects the contents. I think he likes what he sees!

He takes a pic and posts it on Instagram, #ThinkI’veFoundAKeeperHere ❤️

I haven’t posted any pics of him yet, only because I was trying to protect someone, my married ex. I’ve been torn whether or not I should have a talk with him and confess that I have started dating Lewis. Everyone advises me not to, I should have done it anyway. Although I knew Lewis had plans to eventually move to Boise, I could still see a future with him, I wanted to see where this could go. But at the same time, I was scared. From day one, when it is just him and I, it has been picture perfect. I’ve never been happier and I know that he is happy too. But I never told AJ and I never share that thought with Lewis and that will become one of my many regrets.

This evening, Fabio is in good spirits. He’s not drunk, he is drinking but he’s not trashed like the first night I met him. He is prepping his ingredients to make pizza. He comes to learn that his sauce is old so Lewis volunteers us to go to Target and pick up a fresh jar. He drives and we go buy the pesto sauce, he picks up other items too. We head back.

Lewis is in a sleeveless Volcom black shirt. He looks so handsome. I am wearing a black shirt and black ripped jeans. He tells me I look good in all black. He prepares salad. He is glazing walnuts for his Asian inspired salad that I do not end up eating due to the dressing. I just don’t like dressing and he tossed that salad very thoroughly in all that dressing. In his defense, he did not know that I am weirdo that does not like dressings, condiments or sauces. Except for soy sauce, I love soy sauce. 

The pizza is done, well a little overdone and the salad is done. We have the music on and we’re all having a really good time. Then one of Lewis’ friends stops by, Dick. Apparently he used to work at the restaurant too and he also knows AJ.

Lewis sits next to me and I do steal his glazed walnut, they’re sweet and savory. He is so good at cooking. Actually, he’s really good with his hands. 😉

After dinner, we all drink some more and chitchat. Fabio and Dick are talking and they go somewhere in another room so it’s just Lewis and I and we steal a lustful kiss. I could not keep my hands off of this man. I just want to touch him, be close to him. Like Paula Abdul sang, “And even if you’re right next to me, you’re still too far away, if I’m not inside your arms.”

That’s exactly how I felt about him. I wanted to be with him, all the time, wherever he went. Are we getting a little obsessed here?

I am feeling good. Like, a little too good, so good I fall off the couch. Lewis tells me that I’m cut off and he will drive me home. I think I only had three glasses of wine.

Dick leaves around 10ish, Lewis takes me home driving my car.

I am buzzed or maybe drunk... I don’t know, but I am titillated.

I decide to give Lewis a blowjob while he is driving, for all I know he’s feeling good too. Ha! I mean, yes he felt good receiving the blowjob, but I think he felt good good. I don’t typically do this, but I know him, so it’s ok. It doesn’t make me a slut. 

I live about 11 minutes from him so it’s not a far drive for him either.

We finally get to my apartment and we still do not have sex.

We kiss and play some more. He tells me that he’s only been able to cum maybe once with a blowjob. I take that as a challenge and work my magic. My magic fails me, I cannot accomplish it. It’s been a while and still nothing. I ask him of he thinks he can cum, he tells me if I had started two hours ago, he might, but he’s enjoying it. I threw in the white flag. Two hours, oh hell no. I think he was mostly joking, but I am not confident. We continue kissing. I literally could kiss this man all day long for the rest of my life.

We end up falling asleep and when I get up to get ready for work, he makes my bed. I drive him to Fabio’s work so that he can pick up his car. We get some coffee and he buys me a breakfast sandwich and then we part ways. I tell him to come visit me after he helps his friend later.

Wednesday Dec 30

AJ comes over to make me and the girls dinner. Steak with mushroom sauce and mashed potatoes and veggies. He wants to duplicate my favorite steak from Lewis’ restaurant. Ironic.

I did inform Lewis that AJ would be coming over that evening to make dinner. He was out with an old neighbor and he was helping his friend again.

AJ seems so happy. I do mention the restaurant and Lewis a couple of times, but AJ just thought I was rubbing it in has face. He states that the last time we were both there, Lewis and I were flirting with each other. He felt like the third wheel. I think he just saw the sparks between him and I. I did feel bad, but I was kinda dropping hints. I was starting to feel guilty, not sure why. Maybe, because I knew I was lying to him. I’ve never lied to him before. In a way I was trying to tell him, I just wasn’t persistent enough. I really don’t know what I was afraid of. His reaction? He’d stop being my friend? I don’t know. After dinner, he also cleans the dishes. Dorothy contributes and makes her Mac and cheese. There is a lot of food tonight. I just drink wine, I attempt to create another charcuterie board but I am lazy and could careless. So it turns out ok. We’re all enjoying our meals and having fun. It's getting late, it's close to 8pm, AJ needs to go. He has to go home to his wife and kids, you know. That’s basically our relationship in a nutshell. 

I tell the girls that Lewis will be stopping by.

He arrives around 10ish. I’m in my jammies aka nighty. He had gone out to Underbelly and had extra ramen, he considered bringing it but remembered AJ was cooking tonight. So he said fuck it. We go straight into bed because it is a Wednesday after all and I still have to work tomorrow. We are in bed and at first he has his clothes on, then he tells me that he is going to sleep naked. While he is removing his clothes, I remove my panty. I still have on a burgundy nighty. It’s really tight and my tits keep falling out of it, he doesn’t mind. He lays himself on top of me, kissing me. Slowly and fast all at the same time. And then, we have sex. I wanted to have sex that night so that it would be perfect for New Years Eve. He didn’t know it was going to happen tonight. Sometimes when you have sex for the first time with a new partner, it’s awkward and I just wanted to be on the same rhythm. But truth be told, our first time was rather amazing. Although, I think he may have been nervous. I mean, I was. But I initiated it. After, he held me close to him and we went to sleep. I don’t know if he really gets a good nights rest when he sleeps with me, because I like to have the heat on and he likes it cool. I did open the window for him. When we wake, he tells me that he hasn’t slept that good in a long time. I think it was the sex. 😊 

Thursday Dec 31

I am working half a day today. I am looking forward to seeing him tonight.

I get so nervous when I go to his restaurant. Sometimes, I’m still in disbelief that I am with him. I guess, in some ways I also placed him on a pedestal. I thought he is perfect from the getgo. He treated me right from the start. Rule #1, never think your partner is perfect. Because they are not, they are human and we all make mistakes.

AJ comes to visit me for a bit. He knows that I am going out but he doesn’t know where. He stays for 10 minutes, as he leaves, he tells me to close my eyes. I do as I’m told and then I feel him kiss me; a soft peck. He tells me that will be his New Years kiss, he wasn’t going to kiss his wife.

I can’t decide on what to wear. I have these two dresses in mind a purple Asian style cocktail dress or a backless black dress, I had asked Lewis the night before which one he preferred and he liked the black one. I put it on and it's hideous. I look fat and gross and tonight I really want to look beautiful for him. I go through my closet to see what other dresses I have and then I found this black sexy dress I bought from Express. I put it on and it looks amazing on me, I mean, why wouldn’t it? It was the perfect dress for tonight, to ring in the New Year with my new beau.

We all are ready by 7 pm and we head to the restaurant. I walk in first and I see him, my heart is racing but I’m both thrilled and delighted. I’m so captivated by him. He tells me we can sit anywhere, we opt for the booth.

He comes over to greet us, he pours water for for all of us and asks what we would like to drink. Apparently he had already placed a couple of appetizers in for us. He also takes our food orders and gives the girls a gift card from Chick Fila. Earlier that day he went for a hike with Fabio and went to have lunch there and they gave him the food free of charge and they gave him a couple of gift cards as well. It’s his wit and charm. 

Fabio is there too with his friends. They’re sitting at the bar.

Later, he joins us and I introduce him to my roommates. 

He and Dorothy have a moment and they sing Fabio’s favorite song. (You Gotta Be by Desiree) Lewis is super busy, I wished I had taken a photo of us, but I didn’t get one the entire night.

He came by and sat next to me real quick, then he was off tending to the other patrons. The girls had to go home early so it was Fabio and I and a handful of other guests. It’s getting close to midnight and Fabio and I had wondered if we were going to toast, so Fabio yells out to the owner, Alvin if he’s bringing out champagne and Lewis ends up filling everyone’s glasses with champagne. The countdown starts and he comes behind me, I’m standing at the bar, he has a glass in one hand and he held my waist in the other.  3, 2, 1. Happy NewYear!!! We all cheer, clink our glasses with our neighbors and then I turn to him and we kiss. It all happened so fast. But I will always remember it. Every one there tells me that I have a great guy, they only have nice things to say about him. I know that I’ve got a keeper. And I feel really happy.

Don’t they say, the person you ring in the New Year with, is the person you’re going to be with for the rest of your life?  Or some shit like that? See, more shit that “they” say. 

I go to the restroom and when I exit, Lewis is there, waiting for me, he’s leaning against the wall with one leg bent, he looks so sexy. I walk over to him and put my arms around him and start to kiss him. It feels so surreal. I remember being there so many times, but tonight is exceptional because tonight I’m his and he is mine. We get interrupted by some other guests coming to use the restroom. So he retreats back to the kitchen and I head back out to the bar.

Some patrons finally start leaving. Fabio and I wait until he gets off, they kinda get into a little tiff again. These boys are always fighting.  

Lewis gets my opinion on the matter and ends up apologizing to Fabio.

During that evening, I had a chance to talk to Fabio, he explains to me why he had called me a “red flag” the first night I met him. He said that Lewis had informed him that I had both him and AJ.  I’m not sure if he meant I was seeing them both, because that’s not true. I suppose it could appear that way, but it isn't like that. Sure I still go out with him, sure sometimes he still buys me gifts. Yes, I know he still loves me, ok now I can see how someone might still think that. I’m not romantic with AJ anymore, haven’t been in over a year.  

Fabio apologizes again for calling me that and for behaving the way that he did.

He seems sincere about it. The restaurant finally closes and we all head out.

After we drop Fabio off, I take the opportunity to ask Lewis if being friends with AJ is an issue for him. He assures me that it does not bother him in the slightest.  He did say that if things got more serious with us and AJ continues to bring me flowers and wine then he would have issues with it. Again, when Lewis is with me and we’re not at the bar, he’s so different! It’s like having two men for the price of one. LOL. 

We arrive at my apartment and the door is locked, I send a text to my roomies to come unlock the door for me, Sheldon comes running to unlock it.

I had to pee so bad so I offer Lewis some water first and then I go into the restroom, I leave the bathroom and go straight to my room to remove my makeup and change into jammies. Lewis and Sheldon are still talking in the hallway. They chat for a good 7-10 min.. or so it seems... I am feeling somewhat annoyed again because she won’t go into her room, I wait for Lewis to come to me.  I think he senses my disapproval. Because he doesn’t do that again. He’s smart, he can read the room.

He finally enters and I have on a two piece satin nighty on. Looking back, I should have worn some sexy negligee. WTF was I thinking? Ugh! He comments on my nighty that he likes it.

He undresses immediately and we crawl into bed. I take off my nighty. I have Alexa playing Sade, By your Side.

He kisses me, his tongue teasing my lips as the kiss deepens, he puts more pressure in my mouth. I savor the sensations he evokes in me. I am consumed with lust. My body is electrified by his touch. He kisses my breasts, leaving a trail of moist as he wanders up to my neck, every caress, every kiss, every lick, I begin to tremble. His warm breath against my neck makes me long for his lips, but he doesn’t give me the satisfaction, he torments me, he lifts my leg up and softly licks my thigh, I am on fire. My body hums with desire. He tells me that he wants to go down on me and I tell him no, but I eventually cave in and let him willingly and O. M. G. This man knows what he’s doing! He makes me want to swoon over, multiple times.  

I feel, oral sex on a woman is an intimate act of love. I believe, unless I am in love or I completely trust you, I cannot, will not allow you there. You have to earn it. And he earned it! We make love and we fuck that night. He kisses me and he breathes into my mouth.  He looks deep into my eyes and it’s all over for me.  

This is the fastest I have slept with someone, it has only been a week, but it feels like I have known him all my life.  

I didn’t want to wait, I wanted him. I wanted him for so long. 

We have this connection that’s just so unreal. Being with him made me calm, he put my soul at ease. I felt safe with him. 

We play for a few more hours. Finally we go to sleep. I absolutely love sleeping with this man, he holds my hand. He kisses my forehead. He hugs me until I fall asleep. I mean, I really don’t sleep but I love laying next to him. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I watch him. I know, I’m kinda creepy. He’s just so beautiful. His heart is so big.  He is always helping others and he’s genuinely considerate and thoughtful. He is honest and real. He won’t apologize for anything he disagrees with, if that is his stance, that is it. (That could be problematic in the future).

Friday Jan 1 2021

We wake up and finally I take some pictures, I go and brush my teeth and get cleaned up. We have morning sex. Morning sex really is the best. It just naturally energizes you and puts you in a good mood. Everyone should have morning sex. But I think morning sex should be tops 20 minutes. You get your rocks off, and you have the rest of the day to do whatever you want, like have sex again in the afternoon. We initially made plans to go to Julian that day, all of us but Lewis had to be at work and he had to visit his parents so he promised we could do something on Sunday, just the two of us. He did not want to go with the whole group, he later confesses to me.

I had Alexa play, “Close To You” by Maxi Priest.

Because I really want to be close to him all day, everyday. I just want to be with him all the time. I’m addicted to him, maybe a little obsessed. He likes it. Before he gets ready to leave, I tell him to hold me, which reminded me of another song “Hold Me Now” by the Thompson Twins.

He has never heard of this song either so I have Alexa play it for him. He likes that one too. He tells me that he enjoys these new old songs I’ve introduced him too, you know cuz I’m old. That little shit. I’m a millennial too, I just don’t admit it. I am not Gen X. Nothing against Gen X. .

The roommates and I still decide to head out to Julian. While on our way, I get a call from Fabio, he asks if I am still going and I tell him yes and he says he is in Escondido and he’s with a “sugar daddy” and he will meet us there. Ummm ok. I inform Lewis. I am always transparent with him. Rule #2, transparency is key.

Saturday Jan 2

This evening, I introduce him to some of my friends. We mingle for an hour maybe and decide to head out. To be honest, I just wanted to be alone with him.

We drive back to my place to get a change of clothes and to drop off my car. Then we head over to his. He is hungry, so we look for any place that is opened. We settled for Panda Express.  He tells me a story, way back when it was Pick Up Stix, he was working and he got robbed and he almost died. Obviously he didn’t. Thank goodness.

Then we head over to his place. We all eat in the kitchen and then we go to bed.

As I’m laying in his bed, he smokes a bowl.

He joins me and then he says that I should not get too attached to him, because he was going to leave anyway. We’re going to stop talking. There was no point. And my bed was too soft and his bed was only meant for one person... he’s rambling nonsense. Then he lays next me and tells me that he would treat me right and he could see himself falling for me but he felt he was not deserving of me. He said he sees me with some rich old white man, not with someone like him.  

Wtf?! Where is this all coming from? I tell him, whatever he's smoking, he can’t smoke it anymore.

I tell him that we did not have to think about all of this right now, that we are enjoying each other’s company and having a good time. He seems ok now. I don’t want to scare him and tell him that I want to be with him. So I say nothing. In fact, I don’t really tell him how I truly feel.  It’s like I was wearing a mask, fear that he would leave me? Fear that it would scare him? Fear that he didn't reciprocate? Fear of rejection? I don’t know. Later on, I would joke that he was trying to break up with me and I wouldn’t let him. And of course we have sex, because why not?

Sunday Jan 3

At first we make plans to see some snow at Mt Laguna, but at the very last second, Lewis suggests we go to Long Beach instead and get some Cambodian food. I love the idea.

It’s so spontaneous. He drives and we discuss past relationships and what we liked and didn’t like. What we should have discussed was our intentions. He also inquires about Sheldon, which made me a bit jealous. He asks why she is single, I know that when they had talked the other night she told him that she used to be in the circus, she does Muy Thai fighting and she dances so I am not surprised that he wondered that, she’s a catch and she’s stunning. And shes’s his age.  To be honest, I felt a bit threatened. I just said that she was seeing someone and I didn’t know why it didn’t work out. I even asked him if he was interested in her, he said that he was interested in her roommate. Ok, good answer.  For some reason, it didn’t ease my mind, I started thinking they had a crush on each other. When AJ and I were together, at one point also asked me why she was single, he wasn’t interested in her either, they were just genuinely curious why she was single. I don’t know if it’s my insecurities or what, but I shrug it off.

We start talking about other topics so I end up just pushing it to the back of my mind, because he had assured me that he didn’t like her like that.  I faced the same adversity with AJ and another really good friend of mine. Every time he suggested we invited her out, I would flip out and accuse him of wanting her. Now, I was doing the same thing to Lewis. I just didn’t realize it soon enough, I wasn’t aware I really was exhibiting red flags. I don’t know why I keep doing this toxic shit. And I don’t express my concerns, so it festers.

He spoke about both of his exes, how they weren’t appreciative or thoughtful. They expected him to pay for everything. His first relationship mirrored mine and my ex fiancé’s relationship. He used to live with her, towards the end of their relationship he ended up moving to the couch, they stopped having sex for a while. My ex and I stopped having sex as well and he too started sleeping on the couch. Until he kicked me out.

Sometimes when you’re young you don’t know how to treat someone you love. When I was their age, I thought the same way, I had expectations that the men had to do everything and I didn’t have to. With practice and experience you get better at it.  I never was this considerate when I was in my 20’s. I was selfish and inexperienced.

In turn, I complained about my exes. I told him how I moved out here with said ex fiancé and because he never wanted to spend time with me, we slowly grew apart plus the fact that we had nothing in common. I was surprised we even got engaged and lasted as long as we did. It’s better to be alone than to feel lonely in a relationship.

He held my hand the entire drive, on occasion I would rest my head on his arm. And then I would kiss him. He expressed to me that he absolutely loved it. He mentioned that touching was my love language. I told him that I am just naturally touchy. My love language is actually giving gifts. Ok, let’s be real, it’s all of them. Tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Buy me gifts. Spend lots of time with me. Touch me, all the time. And don’t ever leave me. Suffocate me with attention. The best type of attention is all of it.

He exclaimed he is the same way. Like, who doesn’t like all that stuff? He constantly told me I am perfect, I am not. But to me, he is perfect. That was our problem.

We found this restaurant and I go in and order three types of dishes, a sour soup, curry and beef sticks and white rice of course. While I was inside ordering, he found a spot to have a little picnic. It really was an extraordinary day. It was so perfect. Everything about it. He really enjoyed the food, I loved that he enjoyed it. Not a lot of guys I dated are open to yummy food. After we ate, we went for a walk, there was a lighthouse and we sat there for a few hours and talked some more. We took some photos and then he told me that I looked beautiful on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know why I kept my feelings to myself. Why I hadn’t expressed how I truly felt about him. I guess I’ll never know. He spoke of his insecurities, he states that he is closer to strangers than he is to his friends.  For fear that his friends my not truly accept him. So, he tries to do better. He is a very optimistic. Always in a good mood. He would say that he loved his life, he has a good job, he has a beautiful girl by his side (me) and he has his parents and a roof over his head. What more could he ask for? He was just so gracious. I truly felt lucky to have met him and to finally be with him. He’s the embodiment of everything I ever wanted in a partner. I joked with him about him trying to break up with me the night before. He felt silly. He later confides to me that he felt dumb for saying the things he said the previous night, he felt blessed to be a part of my life, that I was an incredibly special person and he still couldn’t grasp how it’s possible that he feels so comfortable around me and how good I made him feel. I told him that I am the lucky one, that I hoped he would always communicate with me no matter if it’s good or bad. It was an amazing day, I believed we both felt that way. He tells me that when he’s 80, he would tell our grandkids about this day and he’d think fondly about it, as for me, I’d be dead because I’m old. I laughed.  

Around 4ish, we decide to drive home. He got some coffee at a nearby Starbucks. I needed the restroom, like badly. He didn’t know why but I was getting bubble guts and I needed alone time. He follows me to CVS and I didn’t realize it until I was walking out. They didn’t have a restroom for customers so we tried another store. He walks with me still and I really just wanted him to wait for me in the car, but no, he escorts me to the store. Why does he have to be such a gentlemen? I was flatulating and I did not want him to know that I was a human who was producing intestinal gases that was passing through my anus. Like WTF guy, go back to the car and wait for me there like a proper gentleman, instead of accompanying me into the store just cuz we were in a sketchy part of LB.  I’m Asian, I can protect myself.  We finally found a restroom and I was able to release myself, whew. That would have been a bad drive home, otherwise.

We play music on the drive home, he plays Paramore’s Still Into You.

That’s a good song. Whenever we had those day trips, I never wanted the day to end. I wished I could encapsulate us from the rest of the world. I loved it when it was just him and I.  We talk about toxic traits, I tell him that I am very jealous. Maybe he didn’t remember. But I tell him that I am learning and I’m trying to be better with it. He acknowledges that that is growth. Everyone can always try to better themselves. We’re all a little toxic in our own ways. Rule #3, communicate.

We drop by his aunts house because we also ordered her some food. He introduces me to her and her husband. She says we should go to the temple together. We chat for a few and then he takes me home. Tonight, we sleep at our respective places. Boo... I guess it’s good, we rarely sleep when we’re together. He asks for a kiss before he drives away. And another.

We don’t see each other Monday night, but we are texting. He tells me that Dick is over, instilling his Mormonism on them. I used to be a Mormon. Back in Boston. He tells me that his friends know the scoop. 

Me: What scoop is that?

Lewis: I am enamored.

Me: I am smitten.

Lewis: I am conflagrated by your presence.

I was unfamiliar with that term, I had to Google it.

Fire, it means fire. He tells me I set a fire between his legs whenever he is near me. We start sending each other baby pics. He’s such a cute baby.

We make plans to see each other Tuesday.

We were supposed to all have dinner at his place, my roommates included but Fabio canceled, he had to close that evening. And I had made an appt to get tested for COVID. 

During the holidays, I was around a lot of people so I just felt like I needed to.

Jan 5

I end up canceling the COVID test because I just couldn’t wait to see him. I end up rescheduling it to Saturday. Lewis tells me to come to him as fast as I can because he misses me.

I get to his house a little after 6:30pm. I bring him some spring rolls and he is in the middle of making dinner. While he’s boiling the potatoes, we go sit on the couch. He looks me in my eyes, he embraces me and we kiss. His lips are so soft and sweet. I take in his tongue. He leaves me breathless. I unbutton my dress to reveal a pink lace bra and panty. He unclasps my bra in one full swoop, I am rather impressed because this bra is unique. He takes off his clothes, the puppy is watching us, I try to shoo him away. That’s creepy. I think he picked him up and put him in the bathroom. We start to have sex on the couch and then we have sex on the floor. And then he went to check on his potatoes as I lay on the carpet, naked waiting for his return so we can resume having sex. I have a glass of wine in one hand while he does his amazing thing with his tongue and then our coitus continues. Rule #4, wine and oral sex makes for a very good combination. Not really a rule, but it should be. 

We eventually finish and get dressed and check on dinner. I think we still have 15-20 mins left for the scallop potatoes. He really enjoys making everything from scratch. What an amazing guy. When everything is done, he sets the table up and we have dinner. He is surprised I literally inhale my food. I tell him, I eat like I haven’t eaten at all. That’s just a quirk I have. I spend the night and I tell him that I wanted him to come over the next day so that I can make dinner for him. He ends up not coming, he was helping his friend and he wouldn’t be done until way late. He did try Cane’s chicken though. He likes it.

He works Thursday to Saturday at the bar, I haven’t gone to visit him at work yet since New Years. But he comes over after work and spends the nights with me. He tells me that since being with me, I’ve been a good influence on him, waking up early, he’s able to accomplish a lot during the day. He tells me I have been an inspiration to him to take better care of himself. He’s looking into skincare. He is always complimenting and expressing his feelings for me. I don’t know why I ever doubted it. Daddy issues.

Jan 8

On Friday, my roommates and I go have dinner at his restaurant, per Alvin’s request, Lewis’ boss. He wanted to get to know Sheldon more, apparently she made an impression on him on New Years. As I observed Lewis working, I whisper to Dorothy that I wanted to have his babies. She laughs with excitement. Watching him work is so sexy. The way his body moves, he’s so fluid. There’s something about him, his aura that just made people comfortable and at ease. We end up staying there well after closing time, Alvin said it’s his birthday so he shared tequila with us. We’re all doing shots, l play bartender. Lewis is eating pizza. The girls are enjoying themselves, it’s a fun night. There were great conversations all around. We make plans to have a private celebration that upcoming Sunday. It never came to fruition. It’s close to midnight and we decide to go home. Lewis comes over after work and spends the night with me. Of course we have sex. I suspect I am going to have an infection, I always do with a new partner. But I’m not presenting any symptoms yet, I keep a close eye. I make him aware too that I anticipate an infection.

Jan 9

The next morning, we have sex again and we’re discussing food. I tell him, I can make breakfast. I have spam and eggs, he doesn’t care too much for spam. I make him coffee. He says his mother would kill him if she knew he ate processed meat. He suggests we drive to Jasmine and pick up some food instead, but they don’t open till 10am. So we stay in bed and talk. We drive there and we order a lot of food. We bring it back here to eat it. He tells me that he has to help his friend again and that he will come over after work. I tell him that we should go for a hike sometime. He leaves me to do his thing and we link up again when he gets out of work. He comes over after work but we don’t have sex.

Jan 10

We plan to go hiking this morning, when we wake I ask if we have time for sex first. He says, “There’s always time for sex.” He takes me to a trail that is practically in my backyard.  It’s a quick hike. I had prepared sandwiches and snacks for us. Once we got to the top we ate and just took in the beauty of nature. He tells me that usually he’s the one prepping lunch and such, it was a nice surprise to have someone else do it for a change. He expresses appreciation and gratitude. He tells me he did not have enough of that in his last relationship. We eventually head back down, he has to help his parents with their bathroom. He drops me off and I thank him for spending time with me. Time is really all I wanted from a partner. Time, attention and love. And he gives me all of that, I don’t know why I was still so insecure. He takes me home and I do not expect to see him until later in the week. But to my surprise, he ends up not going to his parents and invites me to dinner at Karl Straus with Fabio. I pay for dinner and he whispers in my ear, “I hate you but I love you”. He didn’t think I should have paid, I didn’t mind, since he paid for Jasmine yesterday. Fabio tells us about this boy he hooked up with, I work my girl detective skills and find him and figure out his age. And this kid is a kid. Yikes. Lewis calls up this girl that he used to work with, he asks her if he knows of this kid and she says yes, he casually invites her out. She is on speaker so I hear the entire conversation. After dinner, we go back to his place. Fabio stays behind because he bumped into a couple that he knew.  A few minutes later, he comes home with said couple, they stay and hang out for a bit and then they take off to another bar. The girl that Lewis was talking to earlier calls him and informs him that she is here. He advises me, “Don’t be jealous, I used to work with this girl, I know her Dad, that’s all.” Four girls arrive, they look like they’re 18-19.  I don’t even care, teen girls are dumb. I don’t feel threatened or jealous but I appreciate him forewarning me. One of the girls make a snide remark about Lewis having another girl over months ago. He plays it off, but I already knew about it. Fabio comes home and he is emotional. He sits next to me while Lewis is entertaining the girls. Fabio divulge that while he’s happy Lewis and I have each other, he wanted what we had. But at the same token, he’s upset I took him away from him, he felt he was replaced and he lost his friend. Fabio is drunk, I walk him to his room and put him to bed. A few hours later, the girls finally leave. Lewis apologizes to me for it, he feels bad for the remark and he feels bad that it took his attention away from me. He was still attentive to me, I thought. He’s good at that, he never made me feel like I had anything to worry about. We eventually go to bed, I tell him that those girls clearly have a crush on him. He doesn’t seem to care or give it much thought, he tells me he likes me. We have amazing sex.

Tuesday Jan 12

For some reason, I don’t see him on Monday. I invite him over on Tuesday for Taco Tuesday. They turned out to be fajitas instead. He arrives a little after 7pm and he brings me flan his aunt prepared. We kiss hello. Every time he comes over, he always has something for me. Food, dessert, flowers he never comes empty handed. Even when I go to his place. He always thinks of me, I’m always on his mind.  He enjoys my taco, I mean fajitas.  My roommates are mingling too. We watch Boogie Nights.

When the movie ends, he starts to put on his shoes, he is not spending the night. Umm..why not? He wasn’t going to give me the D! After we just watched that porn that wasn’t porn. What the hell is this nonsense? The girls go to bed and I walk him out, I kiss him tenderly and really try my best to make him stay, batting my eyelashes and groping him, but my efforts are futile. He is adamant about going home. Poor me. 

Wednesday Jan 13

I invite both Lewis and Fabio over for dinner. I plan to make chicken with mango salsa and smashed potatoes with basmati rice. Sheldon is in her room napping. Lewis knocks on the door and he has a bouquet of flowers for me. So sweet. I love flowers. He also brought a bottle of gin. I greet him with a kiss. I had on my apron and he says I look so domesticated, I think he likes it. Fabio arrives about 15 min later. He also brings the pup. I also have a box of goodies for him too. I went and restocked him with more Russian River beers and canned mix drinks. Sheldon comes out of her room and socialize with our guests. Dorothy had a prior engagement so she is not present. We all drink and talk and when the food is done, we dive right into it. Lewis is still impressed that I can cook. At least that’s what he tells me. I mean, he cleans his plate, so he can’t be lying.  After dinner, I stay close to Lewis, I have my legs around him, even though we’re siting on two chairs. We take some selfies. We kiss, we giggle and we’re just all over each other. Dorothy comes home around 8ish, and she joins us for a little bit but she’s beat so she retires early. Sheldon makes her strawberry donuts for dessert. Towards the end of the evening, they’re all talking about Instagram and exchange info. So now they’re all following each other, for some reason, I feel a knot in gut. Fabio goes home home and it’s getting late and we get ready for bed. Do we have sex tonight? Yes, we do. I get ready for work and like always he makes my bed. We walk out and we kiss goodbye and he has this silly grin on his face. He doesn’t go into his car yet. He watches me while I drive away and then I receive a text: 

Lewis: You make me really happy. 

Me: You make me really happy too. 

I feel like, it’s moving too fast and at the same time, I wanted to enjoy the moment. I loved spending time with him, it’s almost too good to be true. He always says the right thing, does the right thing. I’m starting to feel like something imminent is going to happen, nothing perfect ever lasts. Or maybe it was my cherophobia kicking in again, idk but I brush that feeling aside, I didn’t want any negative energy infringing my beautiful relationship. Rule #5, communicate. Can’t stress this enough.

AJ has informed me that he has caught COVID since the start of the New Year. Because I was so occupied with Lewis, I didn’t check in on him as much as I should have. I probably texted him once or twice. When I was sick with strep, he came by and brought $150 worth of groceries for me. He would even come by and bring me soup for the week. He’s just so good to me. The entire time, I wanted to tell him about Lewis. It clearly was going somewhere and I needed him to know, I was also developing strong feelings for him. Ok, I had fallen already. And Lewis just became my priority, I wanted him to know he is special to me. Lewis tells me that he is taking a short trip to Park City with Dick that weekend. He also tells me that he didn’t care whether AJ knew about him or not.  

Friday Jan 15

I bring Megan and Clint to the restaurant to introduce them to him. It was a busy night. We couldn’t even get a table. Megan is annoyed because we can’t get service immediately. She gets impatient sometimes. We eventually get seated at the bar. They order food, they complain that bread is not being offered. Fabio is here too. We do not stay that long, once they were done with the food, we decided to go home. Lewis comes over after he finishes his shift, it’s close to midnight.  

Saturday morning, he asks me to run some errands with him. We go to his storage to pick up some snow gear. We go shopping at Nordstrom Rack, he purchases a new pair of boots and clothes. And then he drops me off. When I get home, I continue with my shopping.  I go to the mall, I spend a couple of hours there. And then I go to Target and pick up some toiletries for him. I assemble a traveling bag that consisted of Olly Gummies, one for sleep and one for stress. I included wet wipes, butt wipes, bandages for blisters, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, axe spray. All in one shampoo and conditioner and body wash. Snacks for the plane ride, beef jerky, nuts and candy. He comes over after work and I had prepared a late night dinner for him. I made stir fry beef with snap peas, jasmine rice, sautéed pea pod stems and Korean chicken. Ok, I didn’t make the chicken, I ordered it from Shake Shack, when I was at the mall earlier. He looks so content when he is eating and when I am showing him the bag. The blister bandage did not fit in the bag so he ends up leaving it behind. I should have just taken a few out and stuffed it in there. Oh, hindsight. He later discloses that no one has ever done something this nice for him. I personally thought it was nothing. But hey, more points for Victoria. After he finishes eating, we go to bed.  Of course we have sex, it’s the night before he is leaving me for three days. After sex, I get this feeling that I have an infection. At first I thought it was a yeast infection but I was rather uncomfortable. I eventually see my provider and she confirms it’s BV, I was prescribed antibiotics for it and since he was going to be away, it worked out since we couldn’t have sex either. On Sunday, I drive him to the airport. His flight is at 11 am, so we had to leave early. He leaves his car at my place and I drive my car. We take a few selfies before we leave. He takes some pics of himself while I am driving. When we get to the airport, I hug and kiss him. I tell him I am going to miss him. He tries to hand me money, for driving him there. Ummm, excuse me, I am not your Uber. Just give me love and affection man. I watch him walk away. I drive home because it’s still early and the malls are not opened yet. I wanted to buy some sexy lingerie for when he comes home. I send the picture of us to my sisters. They think we look cute and one of them says that she hopes we get married and have lots of babies. I screenshot the conversation to him and he text:

Lewis: me too.                                                                                                                                                                                     Me: me too for what?                                                                                                                                                                Lewis: babies and stuff

This guy really knows how to melt my heart. I talk to him when he lands. He sends me pics of him sightseeing and then he tells me that his new boots are giving him a blister. But he didn’t bring the bandages with him so that was futile. He is so impressed that I even thought about it. Everyone knows, new shoes equal blisters. He gives me too much credit sometimes. He is just too easy to please. I speak with him later that night, he has a fun filled day tomorrow, they are going snowboarding. I miss him. He tells me he misses me too and he wants to cuddle with me. He wishes I was there with him, it would have been fun. We send each other pictures of ourselves.

I talk to AJ, he’s recovering and he’s back at work now. He tells me he wants to take me to dinner. I let Lewis know. I am very transparent with Lewis, I communicate with him that I will be seeing AJ Tuesday night and I was going to tell him about us. Lewis is scheduled to come home on Wednesday. But he ends up coming home Tuesday instead, they have some issues with the car so they wanted to come home a day early. I think he just misses me and he wanted to come home to me.

Jan 19

Tuesday night, AJ comes to pick me up. We go to a restaurant in Del Mar. He orders the wine and the appetizer and we order steak and of course dessert. We were out for maybe 3 hours. AJ confesses that he now knows we are not getting back together. During his time with COVID, I have disappointed him. He did not hear from me and that was much worse than actually having COVID, man I thought I was dramatic. I end up changing my mind about telling him since he said he’s over it. I leave it alone. He didn’t need to be upset. We ask each other what is new in our lives, I ask him if he wants to hear about my dating situation? He says no, in a way I am trying to tell him, I just wasn’t persistent with it. I feel somewhat guilty being here with him. I think deep down if this were Lewis and his ex, I would be not be ok with it. Not that I don’t trust him, idk. Because there’s nothing between me and AJ, I mean yes he still loves me, but that story has ended years ago. AJ and I have a unique relationship, a lot of people don’t or can’t understand it. I feel like, as much as we try to stay away from each other, we somehow are still drawn to each other. Not like in romantic way, I don’t have those feelings for him anymore. It’s truly platonic on my end. I still love him, as a friend. Now my heart is with someone else, that someone is Lewis. 

I am wearing a sweater and jeans. And I am getting hot, it’s semi outdoors and indoors, and they have the heat on. After we finish with dinner, we leave and take some pictures. He drops me off at home and I get ready for bed. Lewis texts me when he should arrive, it’s looking like 2 am. I wait up, I can’t wait for him to come to me. I tell him to call me when he is close. When I text him, he tells me he is 2 min away. I hear the car and I go out to meet him. Also, cause he needed his car keys. He sees me and he hurries to me and we embrace. We kiss and I help him put his equipment in his car. He follows me inside to my room. And of course my period started so we couldn’t have sex. I mean, I suppose we could have, but it was my last night of antibiotics and my first night menstruating. He briefs me a little bit about his trip, he tells me he bought me a gift and he brought me some pastry and chocolate and a mug that I requested. We snuggle and I fall asleep in his arms. I love cuddling with him, I nuzzle into his neck. The next morning, we chat for a bit. I ask him if he wants me to tell him about my evening with AJ, I summarize the evening to him, he doesn’t seem too bothered by it. He invites me over to his place on Wednesday so he can make dinner. 

Jan 20

I go to his place after work and I bring a coffee cake for dessert. Fabio’s friend Arianna is there too. She brought over some wine. She is a hairdresser who sometimes cuts Lewis’ hair. Lewis is preparing pistachio crusted salmon with green beans, mashed potatoes and Brussels sprouts. I jump in and assist him with the potatoes and the Brussels sprouts. He stands back and watches me, I wasn’t trying to take over, but it was fun cooking together. It was a bonding moment, I could totally see us doing more of that. He liked it too. He brings up the whole AJ thing from last night, I asked him if it bothered him. I also express to him that if the roles were reversed and he was going out with his ex, I would be uncomfortable. He tells me that he appreciates me trying to put myself in his shoes but he really was okay with it, he admitted that he was a little bit jealous but he could careless about our friendship. He is not threatened by AJ. I accept it. I tippy toe to kiss him he said, “No PDAs in front of the puppy”.  He’s so funny sometimes. He’s 6’2” a whole foot taller than me. The food is done and Fabio and Arianna are impressed with the spread. It turned out extremely delicious. He even prepares a piece for the pup too. After dinner, this sadness came over me, I excuse myself to his room. A few minutes later he comes in to check on me. He asks me what is wrong, I confess that because I am older than him, that I probably couldn’t give him children. He spoke a lot about him seeing himself being a good dad. I could see it too. He would make for an amazing father. I felt, like he needed someone younger who could give him that. Then he told me that we could adopt but I feel he was just saying that to appease me, I think. I told him that that is what I want if I ever wanted kids. He really tried his best to comfort me. I did feel better, somewhat. Then he asked me where all of this was coming from, I wasn’t even sure. He held me until I felt ok. We went back out and socialized a bit before we said our formal goodnight and then went back to his room. I’m still on my period so we don’t have sex. Although, I really wished we had. He was so hard, it really would have made for some amazing sex, I did give him a blowie. And my magic failed me once again, he could not cum. 

I did not see him on Thursday, nor did he come over after work. He made another dinner with cod and Brussels sprouts. He said the pup really enjoys the Brussel sprouts. His phone had died at work so we didn’t get to make plans, otherwise I totally would have gone to him. Friday night, I had a plan to surprise him. My intention was to visit him at work, then go to his place and create a romantic ambience utilizing white tea light candles and setting it all around his room, I bought a lychee Voluspa candle for the fragrance and I planned on wearing this magenta lacey negligee I had just purchased from VS, it made my tits looks super amazing. I looked like a sexpot. I wore the earrings he got me. And my hair was voluminous. When I arrive at the bar, he is pleasantly surprised. I only stay for a couple of hours. He asks me if he was invited over later, I really needed him to go back to his place so I’m trying to think of an excuse to get him to go home first.  I said that of course he is welcomed to come over but I needed him to go back to his place to get my sandals, I really needed them. He agreed that he would collect them for me. Fabio is assisting me, I needed his keys to his apartment to put together my surprise. I get to his place around 10, I asked that he text me when he’s on his way so that I can start lighting the candles. He didn’t know that. Finally around 11pm, I hear him. His window is opened so I can hear him singing.  He seems so happy. I am laying in his bed, scantily clad and he's in the living room now, it has been 20 mins and he has not entered his room yet. I can hear him playing with the puppy. I am getting anxious and I am losing my poise. At last, he enters. He is speechless, for once. He looks amazed. He appears nervous. He tells me that he saw some lights in his room when he was outside, he’s rambling and I just want him to shut up already and just fucking take me!  Ravage me, come grab me by the pussy!  Was that in poor taste?  He ultimately makes his way to me and kisses me. He says his room is too warm. He takes off his shirt. He tells me I look ravishing. He likes the lingerie. He proceeds to tell me that no one has ever done this for him before, I’m thinking what kind of girls has he dated? Nonsexual tomboys?  I digress. I feel he is nervous because he isn't “excited”. I truly try my damn hardest to get him hard. I am working my magic, I am very good at this, well at least I think so, I use my tongue, I deep throat, I lick, I suck, I kiss, I use my hands, I literally blow and nothing. He tells me, “I don’t think it’s happening tonight, but I got you in the morning.” Oh no. No no. No, no, no, no.

It. Is. Happening. Tonight. I am going to make it happen. He drinks his beer and I have an idea, I suggest a sensual massage. I tell him to roll over on his stomach and I rub his back, I gently embrocate him. I lean over and I lick and kiss his neck alternately, I continue to breathe heavily on his nape, I kiss his ears lightly, I slowly caress his back with my breasts, and I can tell it’s turning him on. He turns to kiss me and voila, he’s awake!  We fuck that night, thank you very much. At one point he sucks my big toe and it is amazing.

Saturday Jan 23

When we woke up, we made love. We debated making breakfast or going out. We weren’t sure what we were in the mood for. It started getting really windy and rainy. We eventually decided on Din Tai Fung, but we couldn’t go until 11. In the meantime, we talked about last nights events. He was so surprised and he didn’t know that Fabio had a hand in it. Fabio had suggested I bring him flowers at work, when I mentioned it, he corrected me and said, “If you’re going to bring me anything, bring me plants.” When it got closer to 11, we started to get ready, as he is putting on his shirt, he tells me he has a plan. I thought he was referring to the day-  He says, “I have a plan, I buy us a big house in Boise and we can live there.” I tell him that there are no beaches there, he replies as a matter of factly, “That’s what vacations are for.” Did he envision me in his future? I wondered. We never did finish that conversation. We start the drive to UTC and we bring the pup. Coincidentally, it was a month to our first date there at the mall.  Luckily it had stopped raining when we arrived. We get to the restaurant and order. While we waited for our food, we walked around and got some coffee. About half an hour later, we pick up our order and head back home. It was my first time eating from Din Tai Fung. It was good, not as good as Dumpling Inn but I am biased. After eating, we relaxed in his room and we found ourselves having sex again. His refractory period is quick. We start naming capitals and we make a game of it, he's enjoying it only because he knew like 90% of it. Man, he's so smart. For some reason we talk about my roommates and then I tell him that I had a feeling Sheldon has a crush on him. I tell him that when AJ comes over, she could careless and at times she won’t even acknowledge him, but with him, I can’t get her to go in her room. If she acted the same way with both of them, I wouldn’t suspect anything. I ask him again if he likes her, he says no. He also tells me that he noticed my demeanor on New Year’s Eve and ever since then he makes sure to come to bed with me and not chat with her like that. I correct him, it was twice she did that. Christmas and New Years. The talk kinda put me at ease. We have sex one more time before I leave him. He needed to get ready for work. That was an unforgettable Saturday. When he’s at work he texts:                                   

Lewis: Feel so good today. Wonder why? 😁

I knew he was happy with me. 

That evening, my roommates and I go have dinner and drinks at his restaurant. I tell him that I will go to his place after. I asked him for his keys. Fabio is there. There’s a good amount of patrons there that night. There was also a private party going on in the banquet room. Fabio is getting wasted. I sit at the far end and Lewis likes it, he can come behind and touch me. And I can steal a hand graze when he walks by.  

I am seated next to a man who’s been a regular there and he tells Lewis he should marry me. He also tells me that Lewis is a very good looking guy and that there’s lots of women who frequent this bar. I tell him that I am not worried, he only has eyes for me, when I am sober, I know that this is true. Fabio is fraternizing with the private party, he’s doing shots, drinking wine, drinking beer. He manages to swap shirts with a female guest from the private party. He’s enjoying himself, to say the least. It’s getting late and I go to his place around 10ish, my roommates have already left. I guess I wasn’t thinking, I should have offered to take Fabio home too. Lewis walks me out and kisses me, he tells me to expect him around 11. I am now at his place, I am in the living room playing with the pup and I hear keys jingling in the door. I go to open it, to my surprise, it is Fabio. I asked him if Lewis is still at work. He has a puzzled look on his face and he starts to cry.  

I asked him what he did. He tells me he did something, he can’t remember but he thinks he damaged property. I ask him where his car is. He tells me it’s downstairs.  

I proceed to go out, he follows me and he stumbles on the stairs and fall, I don’t know how I managed to pick him up and walk him to his room. I tell him to lie down, he ends up falling asleep. I go downstairs and see his car is wrecked. I take some photos and I text them to Lewis. He tells me he is coming home in 5 min. I ask if I should drive around to see what he hit. He says that he will probably see it on his way home. As he heads out, Lewis calls me. He doesn’t see anything but he is driving behind a Police vehicle and there was another one behind him. He instructs me to take the puppy and meet him outside to go to my place. I don’t listen to him. He ends up coming up and I iterate what Fabio said to me when he arrived home. All of a sudden we hear a soft knock on the door. We don’t move, we don’t even say a word. He knocks one more time. Then Lewis goes to open the door and no one is there. I go to Fabio’s room and peer out his window and see two police cars. I come back and notify Lewis. We are determining what our next course of action should be. We eventually settle in Lewis’ room. We talked about how much he had to drink. He only purchased one beer at the bar but he was drinking everyone else’s wine. Actually, he had a shot too. Lewis said that he offered to take him home but he didn’t wait for him. And I didn’t think to take him home with me either. We hear a loud truck, I suspect it’s a tow truck. Lewis looks out his window and confirms that it is. He goes into Fabio’s room and witness the tow truck removing Fabio’s car from the premise. He goes out to the living room again and finds a note stuck to the door. When he enters his room he is crawling, I ask who he’s hiding from, he said he’s hiding from God. We had such an amazing day and now this is happening. We couldn’t even have sex. I know, I know, there were bigger problems. We tried our best to get to sleep, I had taken a Benadryl so it started to affect me.  

Sunday Jan 24

We woke up early the next day, we hear Fabio moving around and Lewis goes out to tell him the news. He says, “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, you’re alive. The bad news is the cops towed your car.” He shows him the photos. I give them a moment. And then I come out and ask if he knew what he wanted to do. He doesn’t appear hurt.  He has a bruise on his arm form the airbag but that was mostly it. We get an attorney on the phone and he instructs Fabio to see of he can find what he struck. Lewis tells me to shower and get ready while they drive out and then when he gets back we were going to go out.  Fabio is scheduled to work at 1 and he planned on going in. Once they got back, they inform me that they did not find anything. They even drove multiple ways and nothing. We are all clueless as to what he struck and his bumper is no where to be found.                                                                                   Lewis suggested we go to OB today, order some food and then have a picnic there. He asked of we could bring the pup. I approved, and we set off for the day. We go buy some food from OB Noodle, we get a shot of their famous PB&J shot. It’s rather delicious. Then we walk to the beach. He clasp his hand in mine. We find a grassy area and we set our towel and we sit and eat and watch the puppies run around.  It’s a warm day. We talk but nothing serious. He’s contemplating getting a new phone. We take some selfies. I put some music on, I had him listen to Or Nah by Ty Dolla Sign. It’s a very sexually explicit song. I like it. I brought snacks with me too and I give the pup some pepperoni.  I have some chocolate for him. We relax and stay there for a few hours and then he suggested we go to Julian to see some snow. We walk back to the car, his hand in mine. And I tell him I needed to use the restroom. I know that there’s a public restroom in Rite Aid. We park the car and I tell him I can go alone. As I leave, I see him coming after me. I really did not want him to come with me. I was being human again. What is it about the early stages of a relationship, we act like we don’t do these things? Luckily there’s no wait, I did my thing and came out. I was fearful he had to go in after me, he didn’t. Whew. I didn’t have my traveling poopourri spray with me. Then we walk back to the car. We start our drive to Julian. He continues holding my hand the entire time. We take turns playing music on his phone. We talk about being considerate. He really likes that about me. I tell him that it was something that I eventually learned. I hated when people would ask if you needed help, just help, no one will say no. For instance, if you see someone struggling to get something from the top shelf, just grab it for them, why do you have to ask if they need help, you can clearly see that they do. Just do it. He then tells me about some psychologist that tells you to wait for 4 seconds before answering. I asked him if he likes me. He waited 4 seconds and then he replies, “Yes, I like you, I like you a lot”. Like in Dumb and Dumber. What I really wanted to ask him was if he loves me. But I didn’t. I was afraid of his answer. We get close to Julian but there is a lot of traffic, it would have been another hour until we arrived even though we were only 9 miles away. We stop on the side of the road to look at the snow. I have on sandals so I am really cold. He takes the pup out and we take some photos. It’s really windy and cold. He turns the car around and we go another route. We end up driving to Mt Laguna. The road is beautiful. There are tall trees on either side of the road and it looks like a winter wonderland. It is beautiful. The scene is truly stunning. I have the heat on and he’s getting hot, I help him remove his jacket. I tell him he can turn down the heat but he said it is fine, since I like it warm. I was actually hot as hell too but I didn’t complain. He said he needs coffee. We stop at a local diner/motel. We buy a couple of coffees. While we are waiting in line to pay, he looks over at me and tells me that I am the perfect height for him. I hold onto him. He looks around and recognizes the chef in the poster is the man that helped us. While we add cream and sugar to our coffees, he overhears a woman buying a bottle of wine and she utters that she does not have a wine opener and he reaches into his pocket and hands her his. He tells me, the world is all a simulation. I think he just has a sixth sense. I think when he has these “senses” he could either change it or let it happen. Kind of like a premonition. I never share this with him though. She thanks him and then we take off. He tells me his hungry and he cannot wait to dive into our food from earlier. We also had leftovers from Din Tain Fung too, so we actually have a lot of food when we get home. To be honest, I did not want to go home. I wished I could have stayed in that car with him forever and just drive away to wherever. Just the two of us. The day is magical. Beach in the am and snow in the pm. Only in SoCal. He still has my hand this entire time, unless he’s drinking his coffee. I look over to him and he kisses my forehead. I want to tell him that I love him, but I don’t. I want to tell him that I want him to be mine, I don’t tell him that either. Instead we play some more trivia. We try to name what acronyms stood for ie HOV is high occupancy vehicle. We have fun doing that. We are close to home, I ask him if we can go to my place so that I can pick up some work clothes. And he wanted to raid my spice rack, he did not find what he is searching for. Then we go back to his place. Once we are home, he starts heating up the toaster oven. I ask  him if he needs help, he says, “Why ask, why not just do it?” Touché. I get my ass up and start heating everything up on the stove. I ask him for some plates so that I can plate the food. And then I set them on the table. He sat down, he should relax, he has been driving all day. I enjoy serving him. I walk over to place the last plate and he turns to me and says, “You are magical.”  I smile at him, I tell him I am far from magical. I come back to sit with him and he tells me that not that he’s comparing me and his ex, but when he’s with me, he feels relax and calm. He always felt anxious around her. I ask him if he had wished that I was her. He said no. He added that I treated him the best out of all his relationships. I ask him if he believed in the whole meant to be thing, like if you break up and it comes back to you. He said, “If it’s meant to be, then why break up?” While it is a good point, but sometimes people breakup from miscommunication, idk, sometimes it happens. I should have told him that, but I didn’t. So much I should have said, but didn’t. And this is where I should have asked him what his fighting style is. I tell him a story that I spoke with a psychic a few months back, she told me that someone from my past was going to be the One. At first I thought, there is no ex boyfriend that I want back, but then I realize, Lewis andI have known each other and he’s kinda from my past... so I kinda hint to him that I thought he is It. I am not sure if he heard me or not but he also tells me that he thinks I am his soulmate. I just smile. It’s getting close to 9 pm, he has to pick up Fabio. I stay behind to clean up. I clean the dishes, the pan and I wipe down the kitchen and the table. He walks in on me while I am in the middle of it, he tells me to stop and he comes behind me and whispers in my ear, “I miss you.” And he kisses the back of my head. He invites me over to come back Monday night, he has a big dinner he wants to prepare. We go to bed fairly early. I take a shower and I wear his shirt. We kiss and I tell him I want to have sex, he says he feels bad because of Fabio and his car issue, and he heard us all day yesterday. I run my hand on his member and we kiss, I tell him again to have sex with me. He finally does. 

Jan 25

I get up for work, I go to take a shower. He reminds me again that he’s making dinner tonight and for me to come. I come back to bed and he asks me if I want coffee, I tell him it’s ok. We just talk. It is really windy out. It’s 7:30, I need to get going. I go to my car and I drive away, I realize I do not have my phone, I stop my car and run back upstairs, Lewis meets me halfway, he realizes it too. I kiss him and I tell him I can’t wait to see him later.

At work, I text AJ, I ask him for some muscle relaxers. He thinks I am asking for myself. He thinks I am on my period. He goes to Target and buys me wine, chocolate, a heating pad and he drops them off for me at work. I feel bad. Lewis texts me and ask if he can borrow a wok. I didn’t have one, so I went to Home Goods to buy one. I had told him that I had one, and I did, just it was with my ex fiancé. I also pick up some spices for him too. I had to go home and get dolled up. I finally get to Lewis’ around 7. I had told him I would be there by 6:30pm. I get there and I kiss Lewis. He points to his watch saying I was late and now I can’t give him shit for when he was late on our first date. I am 30 min late. I hand him the wok and I give him the spices. I set my belongings in his room. He in turn, had a bag of desserts from Paris Baguette for me. He also has two young coconuts for us to drink later. I proceed with opening the wine and started drinking. Lewis is preparing the ingredients. He bought a lot of stuff. Fabio is there and he tells me that he is canceling his bday party this Friday. Due to last week’s incident. We’re all talking and having a good time and I am sitting in the chair facing Lewis, the traveling bag is there along with a new man’s bag I purchased him. I remove the contents from the red bag to the gray bag. Lewis wanted to make sure that what I put in there were going to be items that he needed, I do it regardless of his wishes. I go to help him chop up the garlic. He plans on making pork char sui, with egg noodles, and pea pod stems. And he wants to pickle some beets. I have finished chopping up the garlic. I pour myself a second glass of wine, I am feeling buzzed. I haven’t eaten anything. Lewis comes to me and shows me a IG message thread he has going on with Sheldon. He said something in reference to it, that’s why he showed it to me. I look at him, completely caught off guard, feeling a certain type of way now. I ask him, “Why are you guys messaging each other?” He exclaim, “What? It’s completely innocuous, she was asking about my travels.” I am slightly annoyed. I feel a sense of jealousy and anger coming over me. Fabio is looking for restaurants to reserve for his birthday dinner on Monday. I am distracted, I cannot focus. This is really bothering me. Lewis asks me, “Is this our first fight?” I ask him, “Who initiated it?” He looks at his messages and he said that it was him, he had sent her a music video. I asked how long ago. He tells me 11 days ago. I am furious, I ask, “11 days ago and no one told me. She didn’t tell me, why didn’t you tell me this when I told you about her on Saturday?” He continues to tell me it’s nothing but a friendly conversation and that if I wanted to read it I could, I said no. I should have, it would have eased my mind. And then he brought up AJ, how it didn’t bother him when he took me out to dinner in Del Mar and how we shared a bottle of wine, he added that maybe by me going out with him still I was entertaining the idea that we would get back together. Ok, he has a point, however I am always transparent with him about AJ. Whenever he texted me or whenever he wanted to see me. I always let him know. I stop talking. I was thinking and I was starting to feel emotional. Lewis is still standing by his actions. He did not see anything wrong with it. He said it is completely platonic and I should trust him like he trusts me. I felt like it wasn’t about trust, it was about transparency. Of course I don’t mind if my friends become friends with my lover, that’s not the issue, but tell me if you’re messaging each other. If it were me, I would have screen shot the message, sent it to my friend and say, “Hey, your guy just sent me this FYI.” Because I wouldn’t want anyone to think there was something going on. I continue drinking my wine and I go into his room. I was hoping he would follow me and try to resolve it with me. I sat down and started crying. All these thoughts are racing in mind. I am thinking that she is young, she might be a better fit for him. I look at myself in his mirror and when I look down at his table, I see a box. I open it, it’s a new watch. I set it back down. I considered laying down on his bed but decided against it. I hear them laughing out there. I feel like he just didn’t care that I’m so bothered by this. Why didn’t anyone tell me, why didn’t she tell me? I feel like he doesn’t care. I feel like I’m unwanted. Why hasn’t he come to see if I’m ok? At this point, I am not thinking, I just act, I hastily pick up my belongings and walk out and tell Lewis I am going home without an explanation. I slowly put on my shoes, he doesn’t even try to stop me. He doesn’t move. He did ask, “You’re not staying for dinner?” I shake my head no, I have the door opened and I look at him, in my head I wanted him to come to me and hug me and tell me, “Victoria, you have nothing to worry about, I want you. You have my heart.” But he doesn’t. We lock eyes for a few seconds. I exit. Maybe he was caught off guard by my actions. Maybe he didn’t know how to react. Maybe he wanted me to go to him and tell him that .... what? What did he want me to do? Maybe I should have just laid on his bed and let myself calm down. Maybe I should I have told him that we should discuss it later when I am sober. Maybe I should have just believed him. There are so many maybes and what ifs, I didn’t know that that would be the last time I would ever see him. I stay outside their door for a bit, hoping he would come and open the door and try to stop me. He doesn’t. I walk down to my car and I sit there for a few, hoping that he would come. He doesn’t. He doesn’t call me. He doesn’t text me. I leave. It’s cold and it’s windy and it’s raining. I cry while I drive home. Why is he acting like he doesn’t care? Why is he letting me go home? Why didn't he stop me? Why didn't he try? WTF?  I get home and I go straight to my room. Still nothing from him. I am so hurt. I feel betrayed. WTF was going on with them? I recklessly send him a text:

I think we should stop seeing each other. That way you can explore other opportunities. Yes, I did think you were different. But people make mistakes sometimes. I wish you the best. 

The reply I got back is not what I had expected. He accepted it. He just flat out accepted it. No, no lets work this out. No, no I only want you. No, no I do not want to explore other opportunities. He didn’t even try to fight for me, for us. So many times I had this fight with AJ, every time I accused him of wanting someone else or I told him I wanted to break up, he would say no and we’d reconcile. I thought that this would be the same. I wasn’t trying to play games but in a way I wanted to see how much he wanted to be with me. When you say goodbye and they actually say bye. Welp, that was what’s happening. I’m still drunk, so I said some more things. He continued to defend himself saying that it was a friendly conversation. I brought up the fact that he sent her a song- he said music is his love language. He said that he sent it but not in that context. It was sent that night they all exchanged IGs. There was a song that came on and she mentioned that she liked it so he sent her a cover of it that he told her about. I was still hurt and upset. Then he said that I did him a favor, because my reaction was an indicator of what was to come. He maybe right. Because I repeated that cycle with AJ. I am starting to sober up and now I am realizing what I have done. I try to take it back, I try to call him and he does not answer. In short, he tells me he is astounded for being accused of something he didn’t do. He told me he would have been 100% faithful to me. He hopes I find the guy I am looking for.  

I send him another big text. Explaining that I got jealous and insecure. I let my insecurities get the best of me. I apologize. Silence.

I send another big text. I want to work this out with him. Silence.

I cannot sleep. It’s raining and I feel like my whole world just came crashing down on me. I decide it’s not enough. I need more destruction.

It’s 2:30am. I text AJ.

Me: I have a problem.

An hour later, he replies.

AJ: What’s your problem?

Me: Why are you up?

AJ: Rain woke me up, what is the problem? You texted me at 230.

Me: I’m not sure you want to hear about my problem. I just think I did something and now I don’t know what to do. It involves another man... I just didn’t know who to turn to. You’re my friend. I thought I could ask you for advice. Idk.

AJ: can’t it wait til morning ?

Me: I suppose

AJ: are you pregnant?

Me: no

AJ: did you sleep with him? are you drunk?

Me: no, I am not drunk.

AJ: but you slept with him? 

Me: do you really want the answer to that? Are you ok?

AJ: gnight. 

Ten mins later...

AJ: text me your problem.

Me: right now ?

AJ: obviously, I’m not gonna be able to sleep now

Me: I ended it and I made a mistake and I might have overreacted because I was drinking and I got jealous and I’m sorry I’m telling you this at 4am. Now you probably feel sick to your stomach too. I’m sorry, I’m a terrible person right now.

AJ: gnight bug

Me: I’m sorry

AJ: you are a special kind of meanness, aren’t you? Do you love him? How long has this been going on? Just so I know how long I’ve really been a clown

me: you’re not a clown 

AJ: answer my questions please

Me: I suppose I could see a future with him. Yes. The start of the year. You knew I was dating, falling for someone else is kinda inevitable. Sometimes it just happens. I didn’t know I would feel this way about him.

AJ: how old? HOW FUCKING OLD? What’s his name? 

Me: he’s younger than me. 31. Why do you want to know his name?

AJ: what’s his name? So while I was going through Covid hell, you’re fucking some dude. What’s his name? You wake me up and tell me all this and now you won’t even tell me his name. Really? Are you talking to him right now? Why won’t you tell me? Do I know him? Tell me. What’s he do for work? 

Me: you do know him, I wanted to I tell you sooner but I just didn’t think it was the right time. It was me who pursued him. It probably doesn’t matter now because of how it went down. And maybe you would have never known unless I told you. Why does all that matter? What matters is how he treats me. If he gives me his time. If he cares for me.

AJ: who?

Me: Lewis

AJ: who’s lewis? Omg. Wow. Good fuckin work. Wtf Victoria. Better get checked. And yeah, get used to the whole jealously thing. Hey, good fuckin luck, bug. I was worried about you. What a joke huh?

Me: what? Why wtf? And I did. I know it was fucked up of me to tell you this way. I know you must be devastated and probably feel like i ripped your insides out. And for that you will never know how sorry I am. Me sleeping and falling for someone was going to happen sooner or later. I wanted to tell you a long time ago. I’m sorry I did it this way. I know I get jealous and you know me better than anyone else and I didn’t know if I was being dumb. I know it’s stupid, I know to you I seem heartless. But for your own sake, maybe you can move on and be happy. 

AJ: fuck you

Tuesday Jan 26

I am feeling all kinds of fucked up at this moment. I don’t know how to fix it, with Lewis or with AJ. I just know that I’ve destroyed both relationships in a matter of a few hours. I cannot sleep. AJ comes over in a few hours to say good bye. He is extremely upset about Lewis, he exclaims, “Isn’t there some type of rule where you can’t date people that we know?! I practically introduced you guys, does he know how old you are?” He then tells me that he’s sorry my heart is broken, that he knew how it felt and he was leaving. Then he took off.

That day, I made myself go to work, I needed a distraction. If I stayed home, I’d drive myself crazy thinking about it. At lunch I send Lewis a text:

Me: Im sorry about about last night. I know I overreacted. Thinking about it now and replaying it in my mind. You’re right, it was innocent and I can see why you reacted the way that you did and in my head it was a completely different scenario. I told you I wasn’t perfect and that I still had issues I’m trying to be better at. Do you remember when I told you that when things are too good I sabotage it? Well, I guess I successfully did that last night. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and every day spent with you was magical and oddly perfect. It was kinda scary. Who can be that wonderful and amazing? Anyway, I just wanted to apologize. I let my insecurities get the best of me.

Lewis: silence

Me 4:38 pm : would you be open to talking when I get out of work? 

Lewis: silence

I send a text to AJ as well: 5:31pm

Me: I just want to apologize for the way I handled this. I should have told you sooner when it all happened. You’re not a clown. You’re a man who’s still in love and who’s hurting. And for that I am genuinely apologetic. I never wanted to hurt you. You are my best friend and I just want to see you happy again one day. I was acting selfish and stupid and careless. Maybe you’ll forgive me, maybe you won’t. But you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I wish you nothing but happiness and joy and laughter and I hope you can find love again.

AJ: Thank you for the text. Its been a really really hard day. I hope you’ll give me a good 24 hours to digest and respond in kind. I don’t wanna express any of my current feelings.

Me: of course. 

I send another text to Lewis at 5:36pm:

Me: since you’ve either blocked me or you’re simply ignoring me. Either way, this will be my last text, I should save what little dignity I have left too. My first mistake was telling you we should stop seeing each other. That’s not what I want. I said it out of fear, hurt and jealousy. I know they’re not good reasons to act so hasty but I was being impetuous and all day my heart hurt. The reason I behaved that way is because I have friends bfs who have messaged me and have been creepy to me. My worst fears just overtook my thoughts and I thought the worst. I ran from it and instead of communicating with you. I’m sorry I hurt you and made you feel unwanted or unloved and I’m sorry I accused you. I have extremely deep feelings for you and want to work through this, I know I was wrong. You’ll never know how sorry I am. Last night was horrible for me and all day I could only think of you and how you must feel. The ball is in your court. If it’s really over I will accept it, but I feel we have something more substantial and greater than a miscommunication.

Lewis: silence

Jan 28 Thu 8:50pm

Me: will you just come over after work and come talk to me please?

Lewis: silence

Jan 29 11:07pm

I had plans to visit Fabio and give him his bday gifts. During that day, I thought I should write Lewis a heart felt letter, apologizing for my capricious behavior. Expressing to him that I wanted another chance. I wanted him to know that I wanted to make things right. I also remembered his love for plants, so I picked up this plant from Vons and I went over around 8pm. We had a few drinks and I left the letter along with the plant for Lewis when he returned home that evening from work. Fabio suggested I text him to let him know I had something for him. 

Me: as you know, I dropped off a gift for Fabio. I also left something for you.

Lewis: silence 

I also smoked something and got kinda high. I left and waited in my car to see him. I wasn’t going to say anything, I just wanted to see him. I missed him. Fuck, my “crazy” just got activated. And then I drove to his work. 🙈 It was around 1 am at this point, I drove by and did not see his car at first but then I saw it behind this big truck, I parked my car far away. I was getting tired and I don’t even know what my intention was, I stayed until 2am, then I drove home. I didn’t even see him. Idk what I would have gotten out of that had I saw him. What was my purpose? I have no idea. Sometimes to silence the mind, you must feed the beast.

For the month of February, I kept to myself, I stayed silent. I cried most days and nights. I lost myself. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I couldn’t snap out of it. AJ came around, he kinda forgave me for what I did. He helped me through my grieving stage. He picked up the pieces Lewis left behind. He suggested I get “help” for my “feelings”. I told him I was not depressed. AJ tells me, “You cry every day, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you’re clinically depressed. You need meds, man.” I eventually gave in and got a RX. It’s working, I am feeling a bit more myself theses days. Once in a while, the feeling catches me at the wrong time and I just break down and cry. It only took me 55 days.

I think, if he just told me, “Victoria, hey you’re cool but I’m not feeling it.” Common courtesy is apparently a rarity these days. Or something like that, I think I would have handled it better. The silence just slowly killed me. I just couldn’t comprehend how it was so bad that he couldn’t reply. To my text or to my letter. Didn’t the good times out weigh that one night? Why didn't he want to talk it over? Why didn't he want to reconcile? I was so desperate, I became obsessed. I even messaged Dick on IG to ask him how Lewis was doing. He blocked me. I asked my male friends for advice, they all told me that if a girl did what I did, and then she tried to mend the relationship, if they liked the girl, they’d give her one more chance. Basically they told me that he didn’t like me that much to consider another try at the relationship. I did all I could and the ball is in his court, and if he doesn't reply, he never really was invested in the beginning. That’s a hard pill to swallow. He never treated me like I was just “fun”, there were genuine feelings. How can you fake that? And we didn’t even cuss each other out. There was no yelling. There was no belittling or demeaning. There were no physical fight. It was just over in a blink of an eye. And I had to just accept it.  I didn’t do anymore crazy shit. I stopped stalking him. I stopped texting him. I stopped checking his special media. Yet he was still on my brain. And then ....

Wed March 3 1:34 am

Me: I know you’ll ignore this, like everything I’ve sent you. Happy Birthday.